Monday, 22 January 2018

I Get Flashbacks.

I thought I'd share a few thoughts this evening. It's been a while since I've blogged, not because I don't want to but life has been crazy, it always is. I decided instead of worrying about taking more time to make the words perfect, I'd simply put some words down and roll with it.


The twins are 19 months old today. Where has the time gone. I often get lost in time and forget how old they have become mainly because they seem so much smaller than Stella and Hudson were at this age. And because they came early, their adjusted age versus their chronological age often blurs and confuses their age in my head depending on development and actual time.
19 months might sound like a familiar age, because it is the age Stella will always be to the world. And the eve of her 19 month "birthday" was the last one we spent with her.




As I've shared before, we've never felt guilty for the parents we were to Stella or what happened, we never blamed ourselves. But when I flashback to this night we shared with Stella, it leaves so many questions in my mind. Yes, she acted differently that night but what toddler doesn't act different from minute to minute! I've always feared the lead up to my children turning 19 months old and especially 19 months and 1 day old - being the horrible day and age that will always be.

People always tell me that if any parent has a right to be over protective it would be me. I've learned through our terrible experience that sometimes you can't control bad, life changing events. As parents we would do anything for our children to make it better or change the outcome to benefit for them. I know we couldn't change what happened to Stella and it has in a very odd way made me a less protective parent! If that makes any sense.
19 months old and exhausted 
I concentrate on the things I can change. I put effort into their health and well-being and put confidence in my gut feeling and skills I've learned through all that we've gone through. The boys pediatrician told me last Friday that I know how to handle every situation we are put in. I know them and when to bring them in and when to medicate and what to do. I try and take as much comfort in his words but I will never be able to get rid of the flashbacks from that day, that evening and the life changing morning.
Was something happening I didn't notice that day? What was happening at 1am when my husband woke to her? And then I think about my twins. They were exhausted tonight after being sick with a stomach bug that went around daycare last week and from transitioning to the toddler room and sleeping on cots. I wish I could make them eat more and drink more. Why don't they sleep more so they feel better? Could we be the one family that it happens to twice - it being SUDC? I don't want to let those thoughts enter my mind - but they do!

As I did with Hudson the nights were I worried and couldn't sleep - I'd tell myself "he's alright, he will be alright." Unfortunately my mind has been effected by what happened and is always prepared to find something bad in the morning when I go through those doors. I wish I could change it, but I can't.


We did a lot of testing for Hudson when he was born
Luckily, most of these moments don't happen daily and I can cope, live life, concentrate on those things important to me and be happy! Although we've gone through the worst and I wish daily Stella was here being a typical five and a half year old, but she's not and I live on. But as most mom's approach situations with their kids, the time approaching a big event can be the worst - that's how most hard days are dealt with here. But these few special circumstances being the eve of their 19 month and 1 day birthday is tough and I just hope we can get past it to 19 months and 2 days. And of course the days afterwards you feel like you walk on pins and needles waiting for the worst to happen. Then we get past these days and something new to think about emerges! Go figure.
Our last photo, marker on her face!
I try and get through these times and make it like a normal day but it never will be. Writing these thoughts definitely helps but flashbacks will always be there - the bad stand out more than the good - but I must remember, the good were pretty darn GOOD in fact amazing- all day pjs, the play kitchen and the marker on her face. I will always remember how proud we were that day watching her grow into a little girl - the unexpected forever 19 month and 1 day old. That I will hold onto.




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