19 months with us, 19 months gone, in our hearts forever

Well I've been thinking about this day for a little while and cannot believe Stella has been gone now 19 months. Surprisingly 19 months with Stella seems so much longer than 19 months without her. I constantly think about what our life would and should be like with our girl.

Would she still be that cautious but confident girl? Watch would she look like? It's hard to imagine these things as we just don't know.

Hudson loves older children and would love his big sister. How would the interact? So many questions left unanswered. The reality is they always will be.

Although it's been over a year and a half, I still cannot believe this has happened to us. It's not like other bad things that happen in life that you can move past. It's not something temporary. It's part of my everyday forever and I wish it wasn't.  I do mainly think of all of the wonderful things about Stella and our life and try not to focus on the worst part - her not being where she should be and fulfilling all the amazing things I know she would have done in her life. We are reminded by her friends and their parents posts of photos and birthdays and outings...special occassions,  all of the things we used to do with Stella as a family. I always imagine what she would have done at so and so's birthday but I can't put a 3 year old (and 2 months) face to these dreams anymore as she is not or would not be the toddler anymore. The photos and memories are always the same, they never will change.

The one silver lining to our loss is the fact that there will never be anything as bad in our life and that gives me strength and confidence in all the great things that are to come in our since we decided to live on and enjoy our it after our tragedy. To continue to include Stella in our lives and conversations always helps and hopefully help fundraiser and find a reason for Stella's death and a cure. There are too many children joining Stella in heaven who's families are left without answers. Some of which who have not been able to live on as we have.

We are thinking of you Stella today and always. Sending oodles of kisses your way!