You Asked for It! My -48 lb Journey Part 1: How I Got There

Having four babies and twins definitely puts a toll on your body! It’s been hard to concentrate on myself, the way I feel and the way I look over the past few years, combined with the sudden loss of our 19 month old daughter Stella.

Me Today with Conrad

A Grieving Mom's Thoughts on the Eve of Three Years Gone

On the eve before we woke to the morning that changed our lives forever, I sit here not knowing how to feel. I suddenly feel confused in all of my thought provoking ideas about this new transformed grief.

Time continues to move forward and our rainbow baby Hudson is getting older and sending us finally into a period of parenting that we've waited over 4 years for - toddlerhood.

I guess that means that we are doing alright because we are enjoying this stage of parenting, finally. But then I remember that we should have a four and a half year old at home who would be half way through junior kindergarten and turning 5 this summer. A totally different time in parenting that others are enjoying that we should be. It all gets put back into perspective again and brings me back to those final last days with Stella.

This night 3 years ago we put our baby to bed safely with no idea it would be the last time we ever see her living again. We had so many amazing memories and times that I documented with her but they would never be enough or be able to replace having her here. It's like a choose your own adventure book; except we don't get to choose and it's not truly an adventure or at least a positive one always. How different these last years would have been. I love my life after Stella, ofcourse fully separating the grief that I endure without her here from my current life situation.

It's always bittersweet. Words such as would and should are used too often when thinking about Stella. I am overjoyed to be able to be a mother again after her passing to these wonderful boys; being the sweet, but life would be so different if Stella was here where she should be - and there's the bitter. I wouldn't change what I have but wish it was different too.

I have similar feelings every year that has passed and every moment when I see something or someone that reminds me of her. But as time goes on and our time without her is greater than with her, it seems to get harder.

You would think the waves of grief would be calmer by now. This is true in my emotional and physical ability to deal with her passing; I am not keeled over in my grief anymore. But as the time grows, my thoughts begin to mature and I look at life without her differently. It's hard because I feel like the thoughts that invade my head as to why this happened to us becomes more prominent. My would be Stella memory box, should be filled with 4 plus years of items; except I'm left with the same photos and same memories that are now only focused on the ones that stand out in my head, instead of the minute details I once cherished. 

I worry I am forgetting her yet I yearn to know more about her.

As I finish feeding one of the babies and head to bed hoping I can sleep, I worry as always about the thought that everything will be alright and that we could never endure such tragedy again. This is what happens when the unthinkable occurs; it steals every ounce of confidence from you. Every thought becomes confusing as you overthink it. It takes all of my strength to continue on. And please know I will strive to live on as I have and it will be wonderful life because I want it to be. But I will never be able to shake the wish to hold her in my arms for one more measly minute or tell her I miss and love her more and more these past three years she's been gone.

My Twin Pregnancy Story: The Longest 25 Minutes

Leading up to my first ultrasound, it wasn't until my doctor friend mentioned the chance of having twins, due to my heightened pregnancy symptoms, that I ever thought it would happen, despite twins being in my family. I had instantly felt pregnant, felt extra nauseous and tired. She could only laugh when I told her I was in fact expecting twins. 

We were stronger than ever before, we could and would handle it; whatever came our way, as we did before.

19 months with us, 19 months gone, in our hearts forever

Well I've been thinking about this day for a little while and cannot believe Stella has been gone now 19 months. Surprisingly 19 months with Stella seems so much longer than 19 months without her. I constantly think about what our life would and should be like with our girl.

Stella : The Cherub in our Garden of Life

Well I can't seem to shake the 18th of the month (this one being 14 months since her passing), I don't think I ever will but since Stella one-year angel anniversary I had decided to stop my monthly posts, just as I did with her growth and development updates. After one year I did quarterly updates. I now move forward with my blog and perhaps I will be more haphazard about my once structured posts. 

Stella: 5 months gone and 2 years old

2 years ago at 4:31am was the best moment of my life, Stella Eve was born and little did we know what effect she would have on all of us nor would we know what was to come. I was 36 weeks and 6 days pregnant, at home relaxing when my body decided it was time for Stella to join this world - 3 weeks early.

Stella : 4 months gone

Facebook post from June 18, 2014

Our Stella would be 23 months old yesterday now that she has been gone 4 months today. It's amazing how much used to happen when Stella was around. I realize this when I re-read her monthly updates. Life is definitely different and I probably think about her as much as she used to fill my day while here with us. We are getting more excited for our move in 20 days and now that I am past 6 months pregnant but its just not the same without Stella here by our side. We've kept busy packing and getting ready for our move and our baby boys arrival but wishing she could be part of it although are trying to cherish the times we did have with her but its just not good enough. We hope to refocus this energy on helping the SUDC cause and cure and plan to start thinking of how we will fundraise in the coming years in Stella's memory.

Stella's 4 month update

Hi Family and Friends,

I wanted to let you all know I am now 4 months old! I have been so busy the past month! Mommy and I go to Mother Goose class where we sing songs with other babies. I love to sing along with the songs, even when no other babies do. We also go to Mom and Baby Zumba. Mommy and I dance to all sorts of songs while I sit in my carrier and sometimes I fall asleep during class. The sleep training worked as I now sleep through the night. I get much more rest and wake up happy in the morning after 12 hours in my crib. I decided to roll over this month as well. I've only done it 5 times but I love to be on my tummy. I still love to stand and I can do it quite well with only be held by my hands..I prefer to stand than sit most of the time. I can hold toys with both of my hands and I can also put my own pacifier in my mouth and put it back in when it falls out close to me. My tummy is ticklish now too! I haven't quite started to giggle yet but I sure do love to smile, even to strangers who stop to stare at me at the mall!

I now play in my activity jumper! I don't quite touch the floor yet but I keep myself busy and entertained with the music and toys. I still go to cheerleading practice. I lay on my blanket and watch the girls then I have something to eat and go to bed in my carseat while Mommy coaches. The girls always love to see me! Our family got outdoor professional photos taken this month. We hope to get them soon. I have started to drool like crazy, my tops get all wet. I dressed up for my first Halloween, I was a cupcake. We went to the mall, walked Downtown and visited my neighbours homes for Halloween fun. I also gave out candy to the kids at the door. I've attended a few birthdays but I go to sleep early on other peoples beds..I don't mind if its loud, I sleep anyway. Our family took a trip this weekend to visit Uncle J's new home. I played with Auntie J's doggies and got to know Uncle J and Auntie J much better. I also went to the Santa Clause Parade yesterday and heard about Santa..I slept through the parade and missed Santa, but that's ok, I'm sure I will see him again. 

 

Halloween 2013

Mommy and I get together with our soccer friends once a month and the neighbours on Friday mornings. I normally just hang and play on my own..I'm quite content playing on my own. One of the older babies James will come up to me and give me hugs and kisses while I play on the playmat. His Mommy is worried he will hurt me but I don't mind, I just let him hug and kiss me.

Mommy thinks my eyes look like her now, especially in the picture called "Stella 4 mos 8". Mommy also has been busy making crafts..she made my headband and my Halloween costume.

Well that's it for this month. I better go as its my nap time at 9:30am...

Love Stella

Our Story: What happened to Stella?

Our Stella was born three weeks before her due date. She was 7 pounds 4 ounces and ready to meet her family and take on the world! Stella was a bright blue eyed curious baby, who would look around at her surroundings before making her move. She was strong, sitting up at 4 months and taking her first steps holding our hands at 6 months and walking by 9 months. She slept through the night at 3.5 months and continued always sleeping through, although I will say now, Stella slept too well.

Stella started daycare in August 2013 at nearly 13 months of age in the toddler room. She was a strong walker and could keep up with the older kids easily and loved going to school. Of course along with those adventures are the typical viruses that come with it. It was Thanksgiving weekend, early October, Stella awoke from her nap and I noticed she had bright red cheeks and was burning up.  Quickly I took her temperature, called my Mom for support and went downstairs to give her tylenol.  As I was holding her bare diaper cladded body trying to cool her with a wet washcloth, Stella had a seizure in my arms. I thought at first she was shivering with cold. Her eyes rolled back into her head and her body was lifeless. Panicked, not knowing what to do, we ran outside to rush her to the hospital, yelling in the streets for help. Our neighbours quickly came to our rescue and told us Stella was breathing and held her and comforted her. We called the ambulance and Stella was taken to the hospital. Stella had a febrile seizure and had a mild case of pneumonia.

I had a febrile seizure at 2 years old and was told it can be hereditary.  We were told Stella could have more and that they are normal.  Most children outgrow them by age 5.

Stella had a few colds after that, with one cough that lingered a little while. We took her to many visits to the doctor's office and into the hospital if she had a fever, for our own peace of mind. We were prescribed puffers but we told she didn't need them. We celebrated our second Christmas and returned back to work and daycare after a great break together. A week later as I was leaving work, I got a call from Stella's daycare, the worst happened.  Stella's teacher thought Stella was having another seizure but this time she wasn't shaking but stiff with her arms to her side. I ask her teacher to call an ambulance and my husband would be on his way. It was a snow storm that day and I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic only a few kilometers from the hospital. A parents worse nightmare, not being able reach your child. I wanted to yell and tell the cars to move so I could get to my baby faster.

Stella was resting calmly with her Daddy when I reached the hospital and later was moving about entertaining others in the hospital hallways and watching her favourite dvd's on our portable player that her Daddy went home to get for her. Stella had tests done that came back with no answers, she wasn't sick, it was only a fever that quickly elevated. Stella had a fever for a few days and was back to her old self. A few weeks later, Stella had her 18 month vaccinations. Although I was told it was normal (and I believe that to be true) Stella had a huge egg size lump in her thigh from the shots. Poor baby.

February came along and we found out we were expecting our second baby and shared this news with Stella. We had been invited to a friends baby shower about 1 hour away from our house. Stella had a great time dressed in her full chambray skirt with the few curls in her golden hair. She wasn't herself as she had some diarrhea, I took her temperature. It was low grade so I gave her some tylenol and we decided to go home. By the time we got home, after Stella napped for the car ride, we went into our home to greet our friends for our annual Superbowl party but Stella had a fever. I took her temperature and realized it was 39 degrees. I took her upstairs with my husband and my Mom to cool her down and give her medication and shortly afterwards after Stella was moaning Mama while I held her in my arms she had another seizure. We did the usual, called the ambulance and off to the hospital we went.

Stella had all sorts of tests taken again and rested peacefully sleeping on top of me on the hospital bed. We were told she had pneumonia again. Stella had no symptoms! She was eating and drinking so we were sent home. With the help of my Mom, my best friend and her Mom, Stella's loving Daddy and myself we stayed home with Stella for 1.5 weeks. We followed up with a pediatrician after 1 week and were told it was still there a bit but by the next week she was ready to return to daycare.

We decided after the second febrile seizure we would educate Stella's daycare about febrile seizures and put an action plan into works. The booklet I put together described why she had the seizures, what she would do and look like, what to do and what not to do. I listed what temperatures to give her meds or to cool her down and call me. We felt we would be educate everyone so it wouldn't be such a scary thing.

That Friday was Valentine's Day. I prepared Valentine's for everyone in Stella's class.  I made candy kabobs and Valentine's messages from Stella to spread her love with her classmates. That morning I was surprised with a diamond eternity band to match my wedding band - the one I had wanted for a few years. I went to work happy knowing it was a long weekend and I would be off work early. I listened to a favourite song happily on my way to work. I got off work at 3pm excited to be able to pick Stella up from daycare as I normally wasn't able to. Her daycare called me and said she had a low grade fever that day and they gave her some tylenol. 

We got home and enjoyed watching Stella play with the baby doll we gave her for Valentine's Day that morning. She fed her baby her special Valentine candies and gave her some milk. We video taped her in amazement as she hugged her dolly. She was going to be a great big sister.

The next night I had my girlfriends over for a few drinks. Stella played quietly while I prepared for our friends to arrive. Stella got to see all of my friends briefly before heading to bed. I checked her often, as usual, worrying about the fever returning. The next morning we rushed to get ready to attend Stella's second session of swimming lessons.  Although only being better a few weeks I decided to take her and not put her head under water. Stella was asked to jump into my arms in the water, this was something very advanced for our new "swimmer". Stella eventually stepped off the ledge into my arms.

Later that evening, we visited my Mom and Stepdad and planned to share our exciting baby news. I prepared a note for Stella to give her Grandma that read "I am being promoted to Big Sister October 2014".  Stella shared the news with our family happily. We spent the evening together and had a nice dinner.

The next day was the Family Day holiday. We planned to stay home and take it easy. Stella put her finger in her ear and I knew it must be an ear infection, a common thing she got. She wasn't running a fever nor acted out of the ordinary so we decided we would go to the doctor the next day after daycare. We stayed in our pj's all day and Stella played at home with us. She had so much fun playing in her kitchen. She cooked food in the microwave, added spices and drank from a cup while we sat video taping her in amazement at our big girl and how she played. We were so proud of Stella. We made crafts as Stella was crafty like me but that was stopped when she decided to put her markers in her mouth and all over her face. Time for a shower to remove the marker and an early bedtime! In bed by 6:30pm.

Stella woke at 9pm asking for Dada so we went downstairs as it was a Monday night and I was watching the Bachelor which Sean couldn't stand. Stella got a cuddle from Daddy and he took her back up to bed. We went to bed at 10pm and Stella woke briefly sitting up and said "poopoo", laid back down to sleep again. Sean woke up to Stella stirring at 1am, checking on her, she was getting comfortable holding onto her pink bunny.

I normally wake at 6am, get ready then wake Stella at 6:30am for the day. That morning Sean woke and checked on Stella while I showered. It's not very clear to me anymore exactly what happened or what I heard but I remember hearing stomping sounds and Sean ran into the bathroom and I think he said Stella was gone. I jumped out of the shower as he ran back and forth from her bedroom to ours. I called 911 but Sean said it was too late. I didn't believe it and called. He was instructed to do CPR on Stella and he asked me to stay out of the room. I ran downstairs and waited for the ambulance. It had snowed a lot that night and the roads had a foot of snow. The ambulance took forever. I called again and was told it was on its way. The ambulance arrived and only attended to Stella in her room for a few minutes. She was already gone a few hours and there was nothing that could be done.

We waited in shock in our kitchen while the police entered our home to investigate. We couldn't believe what had happened. Our sweet baby passed away in the dark of the morning in her crib on her own without us knowing what was going on. The police were there by 6:30am and didn't leave until after 1pm. We spoke with the police and coroner and told them our story. I had called my Mom moments after Sean told me what happened. That call haunts me as I told my Mom Stella was gone and they rushed to our home. My Mom wasn't able to come into the house to comfort us.

As the day went on, I had calls from my bestfriends who heard the news. They didn't believe what happened and immediately came to us from near and far. Some ran out of meetings and others took cabs from Toronto. That day was the worst day of my life having to greet our friends and tell them what happened.

A few days later the Coroner told us they did the initial look at Stella and saw that she had a minor ear infection (as I thought) and a dry cough, as I knew. Everything else looked fine. The police took all of Stella's bedding, bunny and clothing to investigate and later returned it to us and told us that they could tell that we are amazing parents and did everything we could for Stella.  They could see it by our home as soon as they walked in. It was so comforting to hear this from the people who respectfully investigated our home.

It wasn't until recently that we were told Stella's autopsy report was finalized and her cause of death is unexplained. There was nothing wrong with Stella to cause her to die.  Although her history of febrile seizures we are told did not attribute to her death, I cannot help but remember what we went through health wise.  As we had thought, Stella's death was like SIDS but for babies older than 12 months old called SUDC - Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood.  Research is being undertaken on the link between febrile seizures and SUDC.  Until more research is done, we have no cause, no reasons and no answers.

Welcome! A little about me and why I'm here!

With the suggestion of family, I've decided to transform my thoughts on Facebook into a blog.  I'm sure many of my far reaching Facebook acquaintances will be relieved and those interested in hearing more can find me. So here I am, new to this whole blogging world, never really following any blogs myself, a true newbie.

About Me

I am a mid-thirties, GTA Mom of two children, wife to husband Sean and I work professionally as an Urban Planner. Most of the things I enjoy in life revolve around my family, from crafting baby items, sewing baby decor, socializing with other Mommies, travelling with my family and simply hanging with my fam! My thoughts and life drivers have changed greatly over the past few years, hence the reason I'm here - to share them and hopefully help impact others lives while also trying to navigate my own in the process.

A bit more about me, before I get into the nitty gritty. I grew up in the West GTA in a loving, hard-working and adventurous family of four, taking my position as the baby, only 19 months younger than my Brother. We spent many wonderful family times at our cottage and travelling, even spending an extended period of time in Australia. I had a pretty good high school experience busy with volleyball and especially competitive cheerleading. I graduated and attended the University of Waterloo.

I worked in Toronto which later took me abroad. Spending 4 years away, I decided it was time to return to Canada and get on with my life having lived some wonderful experiences. Shortly after returning I met my now husband through an online dating website mid 2008. We've been busy simply living life since!

We were engaged in 2010 and married in 2011, shortly after being married and caring for my father who became terminally ill with stomach and esophageal cancer, my Dad passed away and we were also expecting our first baby. Stella Eve was born July 2012, a blond, blue-eyed, cherub like little darling. We spent 18 months as a family of 3, then were excited to be expecting our second baby! The excitement was halted when our world was turned upside down. On the morning of February 18, 2014, the day after family day, we woke to find our sweet Stella had passed away quietly earlier that morning at the age of 19 months and 1 day.

We shared our 7 week new, baby #2 news haphazardly while grieving the shock of losing Stella. I quickly returned to work and a few months later, we found our new home we had been searching for and decided to make the move - leaving many many wonderful memories and a few ginormous tragic ones. We took our Stella memories with us to our new home to create fresh ones with our expanding family. We were blessed with our rainbow baby Hudson James, born October 2014. 

In Stella's memory and my way of remembering Stella and to cope with our loss, I wrote monthly updates reminiscent of my monthly baby development updates.The updates showed how much Stella grew and developed and to remind us of what went on in one months time and how we miss her. I would like to continue writing my thoughts as I'm told they have inspired some of you out there. My forced strength isn't something anyone ever imagines developing or having to use from your back pocket, where its kept. 

With today being March 18th, 1 year and 1 month since Stella passed, I hereby post my first blog. There are many sad times I go through but many memorable times I would like to share with whoever will listen or to simply get them out of my own head.  We have lots to look back on but a ton to look forward to while continuing to remember our baby girl.

Our Wedding Sept 2011

My Papa and I, 6 weeks before he passed

Enjoying our honeymoon

Stella is born!

Our family, Stella 15 mos

Stella's empty room and memorial flowers

Hudson is born!

Our family with Stella's place marker baby Stella doll

What I plan to do

It's been just over one year since Stella's passing and I have decided to transform my thoughts into this blog.  I anticipate "Little Cotton Socks" blog to include:

• Past and future baby updates for both Stella and our son Hudson;
• My monthly Stella memorial updates;
• Some information on SUDC;
• What keeps me busy creatively;
• Fundraiser plans for Stella and SUDC, and;
• The daily and hourly ups and downs of my life.

To Finish

After all is said and done, I am still a mid thirties Mom to two beautiful children, a wife, a hard worker, a crafter and a griever.  Some say I am strong but I am doing what I have to do having being dealt a situation I never expected.  I hope to help other grievers and parents who experienced the loss of a child while also helping myself by getting it on paper, remembering Stella and celebrating my family.  

Bless their little cotton socks....

Stella : 1 year gone

Well I can’t believe a year has gone by. It’s both gone by slowly as it feels like Stella is still here when I look at the photos of the past memories, and fast as so much has happened and this horrible day is upon us again. Our little girl was suddenly taken this morning a year ago today and united with my Dad who has always wanted a grandchild. I still can’t believe she’s gone despite writing about her for the past year month by month.
I greatly appreciate everyone’s thoughts, prayers, words of encouragement and being there for me this past year either in person and over social media. I realize my posts got longer and longer as the months go on, which makes sense as I miss Stella more and more. I write these posts to get some of my thoughts onto paper as I often don’t have conversations about these thoughts but mainly I do the posts for Stella. She deserves to be thought of (as I know many of you do on a daily basis) and for my feelings for her and what we’ve gone through to be out in the open. I never want her to be forgotten and writing about her on a monthly basis ensures she is not, in my mind. I plan to continue to write about Stella and hope to start a blog that anyone who wishes to follow can. My intention of these posts isn’t to solicit additional support – I am so grateful to everyone who has provided the support I have received in so many different ways, but I get to live on and Stella doesn't. I will be okay but our poor girl was taken too soon for no reason at all.
We finally received word that Stella’s autopsy was completed. Although I have not yet had the opportunity to review the report, her death was ruled as unexplained. There was nothing found that would have caused Stella’s death. The thought of receiving this news has been on my mind for months. It’s something that I cannot change nor choose. If they had determined there was something wrong with Stella, we might have felt we could have helped her. The fact that there was nothing wrong with her is also upsetting because its not fair that she could be taken for no plausible reason. And in this world of technology and medical intelligence, this doesn’t seem right. How could there be no cause, reason or cure? She was here one minute and gone the next, without a sound or a goodbye.
I think about how Stella may have felt at that moment. Its something that is very hard for me as her mother. Always wanting to protect my children and be there for them, I was not able to help her. We are told her death was likely quick and painless, but we will never know. A friend said she likes to think that when Stella was taken she was having a wonderful dream. I like that thought. It’s the part of death we will never fully understand. I’m not a religious person but I definitely like the spirituality of religion and the thought that Stella is in a better place, that she is an angel.
The term angel has taken a different meaning to me since February 18, 2014. People used to say Stella looked like a cherub, I agree. She had golden blond wavy hair, soft and pudgy skin. What you would imagine a cherub to look like. Now the term is used to describe children, out of true honesty, I find very very difficult to hear. No one should want an angel as a child. I have a hard time when others use this term as I feel it is a special title for her (and other deceased children and ofcourse adults) now that she is gone. I feel protective and selfish over this title. There are so many situations that are difficult now but I try to get by as positively as I can.
A second word I have had a hard time with this past year is saying that Stella died or is dead. I cannot seem to be able to use this harsh description. To me, Stella has passed away. She is not dead, her spirit and memory is very alive and I hope it always will be. I hope to be able to continually speak of her as I hope her younger siblings will feel as though they know their sister. I hope new friends feel they know Stella. Stella is special being my first born as she made me a mother and brought me into motherhood. A whole new world I had always dreamed of. As a mother, as most mothers are, I was instantly constantly worried about Stella, her health, her wellbeing, her growth, and ofcourse her happiness. All of these things were put to the test on many occasions but I always followed my gut and did what made me feel comfortable as her guardian. As I’ve said to many friends, we are the only ones that can advocate for our children and protect them. If you let something go by that bothers you, you will be the only person that you will have to explain to. You will be challenged when those say “it’s normal”, “it’s not that bad”, or compare to their own situations. No one knows your situation but you. I felt my title as Mother was tested after Stella passed away. Our street was lined with police cars, all doing their jobs, to investigate our home and my baby as she layed helpless in her crib. We were confined to our kitchen with a police social worker, a stranger who was thrust into my home at my most vulnerable time. It was extremely reassuring when the investigator returned to our home to return Stella’s bedding, her bunny and the jammies she wore and said the nicest thing anyone could have said in his position at that time. He told us that he could tell how we were such great parents and that we did everything we could do for Stella. He told me we went over and above what most parents would do when Stella had been sick or had seizures and could tell by our home how well Stella was taken care of and our love for her. I am so grateful for those words and will never forget them.
As most parents do, we planned ahead and thought about Stella’s future. We planned financially for her education and helped prepare her for what was ahead by purchasing word books and French language books, only weeks before her passing. We planned to potty train Stella Easter weekend and had purchased big girl panties and did the reading to prepare myself for the potty training. I purchased clothes for the upcoming seasons and planned to take Stella on vacation and finally a visit to Seattle. Stella had birthday and Christmas presents she had yet to wear. Although we planned ahead, I know we lived every day to the fullest but it is hard to not experience these things we planned for.
As we have just experienced Valentine’s day and Stella’s last weekend again, I can say that Stella had the best last weekend with our family and friends. Stella knew she was going to be a big sister and got a baby doll for Valentine’s day that she played with all weekend long. Stella gave her school friends individualized valentines and candy kabobs, despite not being old enough to really eat candy, I didn't care. She showed her classmates with some love before not knowingly having to leave. Stella got to see all of my friends that weekend and got to tell her grandparents she was going to be a big sister. She got to go swimming and take a big plunge into her self-confidence when asked to jump into the pool into my arms. The same baby only a year ago who clung to my shoulders when we got into the pool, slowly gained the confidence to jump into my arms that Sunday. We enjoyed Family Day as a family in our home where she was watched by her proud parents in amazement as she played in her kitchen for an extended period of time. She showed us how she would watch us and all that we did when she used the microwave, put spices on her food and played house. We couldn’t believe we made this little person and how she was growing! I remember having thoughts, what a great family day, even if it was our last. Am I psychic? It's scary that some of my thoughts came true.
The next day was the worst day of my life. It’s a bit of a blur as it was so shocking and upsetting. It was exhausting and left us feeling empty and hopeless without our girl. I know that nothing can be as bad as that one day and it can only get better which has helped me get through today despite having flashbacks of that night not knowing what was to come in the morning and the heartbreak that followed. Our hearts are still broken for Stella but they are growing bigger with love for our baby Hudson and always talking about Stella and our love for her. Stella will never be forgotten or replaced but we definitely have some challenges ahead to keep her memory alive in our family and helping our kids get to know their sister they never will in fact meet.
In order to help keep her memory alive and help positively towards finding a reason and cure for this unknown condition/cause of death, we plan on doing a number of things that we hope to get everyone’s support and involvement.

1. Fundraising in Stella’s memory and for the SUDC program – I’ve already started to think of some fundraising ideas that I hope to bring to fruition this year. I’d love anyone with expertise in the following areas to help if you’d like, including fundraising planning, advertising, graphic design, web design – if you have any ideas or can help with coming up a name for our charity and or events, please contact me. I will contact the SUDC program for their expertise as well.
2. Along with the fundraising, if anyone’s employer sponsors events or can provide expert help or items/product donations for fundraising, please let me know.
3. Blog – if anyone has any expertise on getting a blog started, I’d love to hear from you.
4. Children’s Story – There are all sorts of stories about death out there but I’d like to write one to help children who have lost siblings in such an unexplained way. I don’t want children to fear going to bed at night and I’d like them to understand the love we have for all children in the family those here and those not. There’s a few of you out there that I know could be of some help..you know who you are!

 

Well I will sign off for now as I normally do. Missing Stella more than ever today and hoping she knows how much we love her and always will. Wishing she was here with us physically to enjoy her life. Always wondering what she would be saying and doing and imagining her growth and the little girl she would be turning into at age 2.5. 

Grief never ends...but it changes. It's a passage...not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...it is the price of love. -Author Unkown.

 Stella's 1 year update

Well it's been a while since I have been in touch with you all. We were all so busy after my first birthday, I just didn't get a chance to sit down at the computer.

So much has happened. I had the most fun first birthday ever! Mommy and Daddy had a pancake bar birthday party for me. Mommy made it a ruffle theme, I had a ruffle tiered birthday cake and one for me to smash as well. It was so much fun to see all of my friends and family at my birthday parties!

Mommy ended up finding a new job in August and had to find me daycare quick. We both had our first days on August 12th. I go to a Montessori school in the toddler program with the older kids. I am getting better now at sleeping on a cot for only 1 nap time as opposed to the two I had at home with Mommy. I love going to "school". Over the past 3 months since I last wrote, I have learned so many things, especially since being at school these past two months. I put pom poms into bottles, toothpicks into holes, pipe cleaners into holes too. I love to paint and draw as well. I am learning songs and poems at school. I also learn day to day things that help me be more independent!

I love to help out around the house (check out the last video!). I put my toys away and put little bits of garbage in the bin all by myself without anyone asking! I like to copy Mommy and sweep the floor, windex the floor (when she does the table), put clips in my hair (which I don't keep in anymore), put belts and necklaces on...I try and put my socks and shoes on but its hard. I am able to put Daddy's shoes on his feet though. I leave a trail of mess everywhere I go....

I understand most things that Mommy and Daddy ask but I am a very determined girl and don't always want to give things away. I always have to have something in my hand, let it be while walking up the stairs, or in my car seat..wherever (you will notice my snack cup and water cup a lot in my photos). I do know how to switch from hand to hand so I can get dressed or in the car seat while holding on. I am dancing some pretty crazy moves lately, anytime I hear music I "get low" like Jack does but I have also developed some spinning moves and other groovy moves I will teach Jack next time I see him!

We got to spend a week in August with Uncle Darron, Auntie Colette, Jack, Grandma and Grandpa at the cottage. We had a BLAST, as usual. Jack and I kept eachother busy the entire time playing together. Jack gives love but I give hugs..so then Jack gave me hugs every 10 mins. We fall to the ground hugging. I love my cousin!

I don't cry anymore when Mommy drops me at daycare. I come home very tired and very dirty, with sand everywhere! I love the sand box and even go down the slide on my own. My teacher told Mommy that I am "the boss" at daycare. I know when its time to go outside and go get my shoes even before the teacher says so. I wave and say bye to the kids when I leave. I LOVE saying hi all the time even when I have been home a while.

My hair is growing like crazy and getting curly! I have 8 teeth now. What 3 months can bring! I love to use a fork and spoon and feed myself. I say hi, bye, Mama, Dada..I sign "more" and "milk" and say mmmm when I want milk. I nod yes and no. I was pointing at my yoghurt while making noises the other morning, Mommy asked me would you like some yoghurt? I answered by nodding my head! Mommy keeps saying how helpful I am around the house!

I now RUN all of the time. I was walking really well shortly after my last update. I get told to slow down as I am such a busy body running with my arms swinging. You can see me run in some videos.

Other fun events this past few months...going to the cottage with Friend T and Friend K, going to K's, S's, M's and T's 1st birthday parties, sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa's for M&D's anniversary in Sept, a trip to the emergency room by ambulance (I'm ok! chest infection), going to the outdoor pool in July, getting another ear infection (not fun event), Thanksgiving, Mountsberg with M&D, walking by stroller and going to the playground after daycare with Mommy and Daddy, lastly getting professional photos done today!

Sorry for such a long update but so much has happened. I am as happy as ever and sooo giggly! I hope you all are too!

Love Stella

Stella : 11 months since our life changed

It's been 11 months since our life changed. Every month when I re read Stella's monthly update I am amazed at all the development she had and then I think about everything that has happened the past 11 months since Stella left. Last year around this time we were enjoying watching our little girl play with her Christmas presents and point out the pictures in her books. Stella would be 2.5 years old yesterday and I'm sure by now she would be talking our ears off or better yet, I'd take a crazy tantrum or two if she could just be here with us. I would take the worst toddler behaviour, I wouldn't mind. I'd love to be exhausted looking after a newborn and running after a toddler!
We were able to get through Christmas mainly by being extremely busy. It's hard not to think about how life would be while also being greatly appreciative for what we do have and all that is to come for our family. We will always think of Stella..I can't count how many times I think of her daily. I'm still not past all of the emotions we are left with and the flashbacks to that day. I'm so glad I didn't have to tell many of my close friends or family but think of my frantic call moments after our life changed to my Mom. It's upsetting to think about that morning and the shock of our horrible discovery and the words that I can't fully remember saying over the phone line. It wasn't a conversation that I eased into. And the phone call from my best friend asking if it was true. It was and always will be. It is true that we had the imaginable happen. It is true that we are a family who lost a child. It is true that she is gone. It is true that Stella was the brightest little star in our life and she forever changed it for the good. It is true that she rests in peace and that we will never forget her. It is true that we speak of her often with smiles on our face. It is true that I will always consider her as part of our family and that I have two children. Amongst all of the truths, it is not true that she was brought here for a specific reason or that everything happens for a reason - I've never believed that.
With one more month until Stella's Angel Anniversary, I remember all of the events that were to come last year with no idea that it would be our lasts. We always lived life to the fullest, like it was our last. I know that many of the coming days will be tough but I try to remember that no day can be any tougher than 1 second of the horror from February 18th 2014. So I move forward trying to focus on the million of wonderful moments that came before that one worst moment...cherish them, speak of them often and openly with anyone who will listen and go from there as best we can!

Missing you dearly my dear sweet girl.

 Stella's 11 month update

I am 11 months already! This past month went by so quickly as I was so busy learning and keeping Mommy (and Daddy) busy!

I now walk over 15 steps between Mommy and Daddy...over and over again, its so much fun. I walk on grass, carpet, up hill, around objects, stop to pick something up and continue on but don't like to go on my own. I also walk between my toys and the couch but I love to hold Mommy's finger to walk instead so she follows me around a lot with just the light grasp of one of her fingers. I think I am getting spoiled and just prefer to walk with Mommy. Mommy tries to encourage me to go on my own but I just cry and sit down.

I am still growing but mostly development wise. When Mommy brushes her hair I take the brush and help her brush it. I know what to do with the nail scrub brush in the bath, I put it u to my foot. I stack my water cups in the bath and actually do them in the right order! I also can point to the polar bears nose and starting to learn where the nose, eyes and ears are. I wave goodbye without even getting prompted by my parents and I love to share my food on my tray. I put it in Daddy's mouth but sometimes I pull it away and put it in mine and laugh - I like to tease! I also keep busy picking things up and putting them down and don't make such a mess with my toys anymore as I put the blocks back in their box.

Mommy keeps thinking another tooth will poke through as I had all of the symptoms, cranky, slight fever, chewing everything I can get my hands on, touching my ears...maybe another tooth is on its way but not for this update.

I just spent 11 nights at the cottage and boy did the blackflies and huge mosquitos love me. I have bites all over my face, back, neck, hands and head! I scratch the ones on the back of my head but otherwise I'm okay with it. But I have been quite fussy lately...I'm so busy I get so tired! I laugh a lot more than I have the past 10 months.

My birthday party will be on Saturday July 20th, I can't wait (mark your calendars!). Here are my photos this month!

Love Stella

Stella : 9 months since she grew her angel wings

I sat in bed last night thinking about how today it has been 9 months still Stella grew her angel wings. Life although it has been moving forward quickly feels like it is at a stand still regarding Stella. I continually struggle with this thought as its mind blowing she is still not here with us. We are generally doing great as we have been given a new joy with Hudson in our lives but its not the same without our sweet girl. Hearing friends daughters say his name so cutely in different ways and watch them interact is so nice to experience but a sad reminder of what Stella might be doing and saying at 28 months old. Gearing up for Christmas reminds me of so many great times together. Oh how this Christmas would have been different with two kids to sit on Santa's lap. I think this is a good chance for me to look at some of her videos, its been a little while, in the meantime, here is Stella's 9 month update. It's amazing how much growth and development happens in 9 months time. I feel like it was yesterday I posted her 8 month update.

We love you Munchkin Girl!

I am now 9 months old! We just got back from Mexico, where we celebrated Grandma's birthday..I also turned 9 months old while there. I am a pretty strong crawler now on my hands and knees but I still prefer to walk and am obsessed with walking! I pick up a lot of speed and run to Daddy and after my cousin. I also let go of the hands and stand for up to 5 seconds or so. I've also started walking with only holding one hand too. My couch cruising skills are getting faster and I also bend down to pick things up while cruising. I cruise and crawl with food in my hands sometimes, I have a tight grip.

I got to enjoy so many foods in Mexico and use both hands to put (shove) food in my mouth (I love grouper fish)...I am like a squirrel and keep food in my cheeks. I love all foods and love feeding myself. I learned so much from my cousin in Mexico, from eating foods and squealing (screaming) with delight! I got so much attention from the guests, staff and my family I now seek attention by screaming - Mommy is not very happy about this.

My hair is getting thicker and I still have no teeth but drooling as usual for the past 6 months - my shirt is always wet. I go to the library with Mom and crawl to the front of the room to get a close look at the book being read. I really like the Joe Fresh commercial, it always gets my attention when its on and I wave my arms in excitement. I loved swimming in the pool in Mexico and slept in my stroller by the pool for all of my naps, it was so relaxing. I slept a bit on the plane and walked the aisles and played..everyone commented how good I was! I wasn't as good on the way home since I learned to squeal but people still said I was a good travelling baby although I didn't let Mommy sit down for long.

I got to visit my friends before we left for Mexico and attended also a baby shower. I can't wait for Baby B to arrive. I'm such a lucky girl with so many people to love and who love me.

Stella : 8 months since that horrible day

8 months have now gone by since that horrible day in February. I can't believe its been that long since we've cuddled our girl we miss so dearly. Stella would have now met her new little brother Hudson..I wish we could experience them meeting. Although we only know Stella as a 19 month old I can only imagine how she would act as a 27 month old (as of yesterday). Would we be dealing with the terrible twos and the extreme determination at this age - probably so! Stella was such a level, even keeled toddler its hard to imagine her any other way but I'm sure as she would have grown these past 8 months things would have changed. I see so much of Stella in her baby brother. He is so familiar to me and similar to his big sister when she was born, although he is definitely more boyish looking! Surprisingly, as always, when we finally arrive at a situation we have been waiting and anticipating, its always been better than what I expected. Stella was part of the delivery with her photo at our side and part of our first family photos by including Baby Stella doll as planned. Hudson has been hearing about his sister Stella and his Dida Mike already. It's still hard to believe she's not here and I don't have both of my children by my side and our family of 4. We are thrown back in time to memories of bringing Stella home as our first born but this time its much harder as our family isn't as it should be and never will be. It's not fair they don't get to meet on another but we are trying to stay positive and enjoy these first few weeks together as a little family. Hudson was brought into this world after his Great Grandfather passed away and he is truly a gift to our family that Stella is watching from up above!

 Stella's 8 month update

I am now 8 months old. It's been another busy month as usual! The biggest news is that I started to crawl this past month. I started to pull myself and now I am pushing hard and picking up some speed. I am always grabbing for Mommy's fingers so I can use them stand up and walk around. I don't want to sit and want to walk all the time! I also hate being on my own, I love being with Mommy...reaching for her even when with Daddy. Mommy stays busy with me these days.

I say both Dada and Mama. When Mommy holds me and Daddy come around and when I see him I say Dada. I usually only say Mama when I am upset and crying. Mommy and Daddy also hear me say "hello!" like they say in the morning - I don't quite say the word but make the sound of the word. I clap my hands together, get excited when music is on and wave my arms up and down when I am happy and excited. I pull myself up to the couch and have cruised along the couch trying to grab water glasses, cell phones and the tv remote. When Mommy sits on the ground I crawl onto her lap and up her onto the couch. My crib was lowered as I started to stand in my crib.

Still no teeth but that doesn't stop me from enjoying food. I now eat (suck on) cantaloupe and strawberries. I also had pieces of steamed carrot...feeding myself! I still LOVE puffs. I still drool and gnaw on my fingers so something must be on the way. I love Mama's milk so she doesn't mind that I don't have teeth! I also love to drink water from a straw and tend to chug it like Daddy!

I really enjoy hanging out with all of my baby friends. I love to play and watch others play. I even crawl over to other Mommy's for a visit and cuddle. We are getting ready for our family trip next month...getting summer clothes and gear out and prepped. I cannot wait to "tear up" the resort and cruise around with Cousin J - watch out Cabo - ay ay aye!!

Stella : 7 months missed

It's been 7 months today that we lost our sweet Stella. Time is continuing to pass quickly as we have been busy at home and work, its hard to believe Stella is going to miss the arrival of her little brother in a few weeks time. Thinking of two people who aren't here with us, one that will be and one that won't ever be is difficult and wanting to include each into eachothers lives - we know that won't be fully possible. I've had lots of thoughts of how to continue to include Stella in our family - she is always in our thoughts and we talk about her..I plan to hopefully finish Stella's memory wall at our house and to include her Baby Stella doll into our photos in her place. I will pack a photo of Stella to have at the hospital so her little Bro is introduced right away to Stella. Unfortunately this little guy will be exposed to life in a different way than others kids because in order for him to know his sister he will know a part of life that no one should have to know about that early - ofcourse we plan to explain things age appropriately but we can't not tell him about Stella. I say it every month but its crazy to me that she is not here with us and the thoughts of what Stella would be doing - I see how much she grew in her first 7 months but what would this past month include?! Watching my nephew interact with his new little brother is so sweet to watch but very difficult at the same time as I can imagine how Stella would love and welcome her little brother.

Although I know its been hard on everyone, I appreciate everyone sharing their thougths about Stella with me. If anyone has photos that I don't have copies of, I'd love to get them.

Miss you baby girl everyday xoxo

Stella's 7 month update

I am now 7 months old...getting much closer to turning 1! It's always a busy month.. I'm still teething and drooling but no teeth are poking out yet. My hair is growing tons and evening out all over. I love to eat! There really isn't much food I don't like (except green veggies!). Mommy made me home made healthy food which I love. I self feed puffs so quickly now, I pop them in my mouth and love them!

I'm attached to Mommy lately..whenever she leaves the room I look for her but I have had a great time while being babysat by Gran, Grandma and Grandpa, Great Uncle G and Auntie E while Mommy and Daddy have some time out together. I LOVE to blow raspberries just to be silly but I also do it when I am tired or when I don't like food or certain things. I've started to dance when my parents say "Dance Dance Stella!" and I also now jump in my jumper now. I now know how to put one foot in front of the other (see video!) and as you know, I love to stand so now I take off and start walking everywhere with some help. I am a bit apprehensive but am sooo close to crawling. I sit then go on all fours, then sit then go on all fours and nearly pounce forward when I am excited. Sometimes I land on my belly then I act like I am swimming in the pool! I started swim lessons and was worried and clung to Mommy with my head burried in her shoulder but now after two more lessons, I splash so much that Mommy gets all wet and her makeup runs down her face! My legs kick under the water and I can float on my back wearing a life jacket. The instructor is amazed at me!

I got my passport and am ready to go on vacation in April to Cabo Mexico with the entire family..I can't wait to see my cousin J! Until then, I am here in the snow. We had a huge snow storm with over one foot of snow on our street. I sat outside in my snow suit for the first time in snow! I looked like a pink little eskimo in my snowsuit!

I'm still watching my sign language dvd's and I've started to do one of the signs! I sign "eat"..I put my hands together and tap my mouth a few times. I don't really know what it means yet but I am signing! I celebrated and watched my first Superbowl..I was decked out in red, white and gold with a matching headband but it was too bad that Daddy's team didn't win, probably because I stopped cheering for them when I went to bed.

I keep growing and getting taller and thinner! I'm such a busy body, I don't stop touching anything I can get my hands on especially cell phones and the tv remote and put them in my mouth. I sit on the couch with Daddy, pull myself up and crawl and wrestle all over him. I even stand myself up on my own. You would think I can walk or crawl by the way I am all over the place!

Stella : 6 months since our little girl left us

It's been 6 months today that our little girl left us. Again I think of all the wonderful things that happened in Stella's first six months of life and life since has definitely been less joyful and exciting despite having so much go on - we would prefer to have Stella experience it with us. It's crazy to think that half a year has gone by. I constantly wonder what Stella would be up to, what she would be saying and what she would look like as we see our friends children growing and developing so much. It's still very hard to not be busy with a little one but that will change very soon with the arrival of our boy in 7 weeks, or if he decides to come early like Stella, 4 weeks?!? We are getting things ready but its a challenge as our family is not complete without Stella and I wish we could seeing Stella interact with her brother - that's half the fun of growing a family. Our love for Stella was cut off instantly and I know our love will grow for this little guy but it will definitely be an adjustment while getting to know him. He will definitely hear much about his big Sister, who we know would love him very much.

As my pregnancy moves forward, ofcourse I am becoming more tired and more emotional!! So this past little while has been hard not having our family together to enjoy J and J's wedding and Oma's 90th today and all the memories along the way and in day to day life. But we know things will get better with time, although time is also hard -a double edged sword.

So much happened in Stella's first six months of life and I realize it when I re read her six month update. Here it is. Stella would be 2 years and 1 month tomorrow. Missed daily...never forgotten.

Stella's 6 month update

Hi Everyone,

It's time to celebrate, its my half year birthday! 6 months have passed by so quickly in our family! This month I have perfected sitting up. Although I still LOVE to stand, I love to hang out sitting up and on my tummy. Sometimes I fall over but I don't normally hit my head as I can scrunch my body up to avoid face planting! I am starting to get ready to crawl, pushing my knees under my bottom. I am learning to clap, so far I wave my arms around and hit my legs. I am interested in EVERYTHING, I'm very curious and need to touch everything and put it in my mouth..wait till I start crawling! Watch out!

I guess I was a good girl because Santa visted our house for my first Christmas! I had a wonderful Christmas dinner complete with starting solids with the entire V family...cereal to start and since then I love peas, carrots and sweet potato, butternut squash, apples and peaches, banana and blueberries. I love sitting at the table in my highchair with Mommy and Daddy for dinner as a family.

I'm still drooling and gnawing on my fingers a lot but no teeth have poked through. Mommy thinks she sees one coming..stay tuned! I stopped sleeping through the night temporarily but seem to be back on track again. I now sleep on my tummy, since I am such a good roller, I roll to my tummy right away once in my crib. I got lots of fun toys for Christmas, I especially love my pink vanity complete with a compact, comb, lipstick, powder puff and mirror from Great Uncle G and my cousins W and J! I also got a fun jumpy car from Great Uncle B and Great Aunt P. I caught up with my cousin J for a few days and we had so much fun together playing just like old times at the cottage. J makes me giggle a lot. Oh yeah, I also giggle now! Daddy makes me giggle the most..

My dark hair that I was born with at the back is now falling out, all over the place and my lighter hair continues to grow in on top. Everyone loves my headbands that Mommy makes so she has been making them for my friends. I'm getting taller but we will know how much I have grown next week for my 6 month shots. I'm long and strong but still have rolly polly legs and "Michelin arms" as Daddy calls them. Just before Christmas I got my ears pierced.

Santa brought me baby signing dvds which I love to watch...they keep me interested for the entire movie! Mommy sings the songs with me and sometimes sings them even when the dvd isn't on. I start swim lessons at the end of the month and I have my bathing suit ready to go.. I made new friends this month too..I finally met my friend L from Vancouver as well as the twins A and C. I watch Mommy do her exercise class and I kick my legs and copy Mommy. I give lots of cuddles and big wet kisses.

Anyway, that's it for now...a month in the life of me, Stella Eve!

Stella : 2 years ago was the best moment of my life

2 years ago at 4:31am was the best moment of my life, Stella Eve was born and little did we know what effect she would have on all of us nor would we know what was to come. I was 36 weeks and 6 days pregnant, at home relaxing when my body decided it was time for Stella to join this world - 3 weeks early. My water broke but nothing happened. We later made our way to the hospital and I was induced at 8pm and ready to go at 2am. An hour later it was time to start pushing, the moment I had waited my entire life for, to meet this little one my body made. Little to say it wasn't that easy but Stella did make her way to the light of day 1 hour later and boy did she make an entrance!
It was love at first sight but being first time parents we had no idea how our love would grow for her and our family so quickly. We loved every stage and thinking back it never felt overwhelming but quickly realized how great every new stage became as we got to know Stella better, her personality became more apparent and our love continued to grow leaps and bounds.
Our little Bunny grew so well right from the start and blessed us by sleeping through the night by 3.5 months old. We didn't know at the time that sound sleeper would be something that we never would have wanted that February 18th morning.
Life with Stella was amazing, she supported my shopping habit on mat leave and gave me many opportunities to stop and talk to people - she always gave a little smile or look right at the perfect time, strangers would stop us and tell me how cute she was. Those full cheeks, long eyelashes, blue eyes and body creases! No one could resist her and I understand why!
As she grew and began to understand her surroundings, we would watch her think. You could see the thoughts going through Stella's head. She would look around, think about the situation and decide how to handle it in a calm, cool and collected manner. She was always confident which helped us be confident parents who many people would comment that it was like she was our second baby - she made life easy! Stella came everywhere with us and got to know so many friends and family. She would sleep in her playpen at blaring parties, hang out at the cottage, play quietly at baby showers and events, so why wouldn't we bring her with us, she is part of our family and we never wanted her not to be.
When my mat leave was up, it was time to determine who would take care of our girl. We decided to enroll Stella in the toddler program at a Montessori school. She was 13 months old and the youngest in her class. She started walking very early so she could always keep up with the older kids and we are told ran the show. Even with her older cousin J who would follow Stella around wondering and curious as to what she was up to, Stella would continue onwards and upwards with whatever she was doing acting like she didn't even know he was following her. She was a busy body who didn't stop until she got the task done. From start to finish, she would play with toys and put them away after her - a teachers and parents dream! She made me unaware of how other children play as she was always so calm and not destructive, hopefully these traits will follow in her baby brother.
Stella was always such a healthy baby but like many others started to get coughs and colds being exposed at daycare. Thanksgiving weekend was the first moment where we were exposed to the feeling and thoughts of losing Stella when she had her first febrile seizure in my arms. She wasn't breathing and we didn't know what was going on. Running around frantically, it was a blur at the time but I remember it so clearly now. As parents we all have worries and thoughts of our children being injured or passing away - what would you do but this would never happen! We were told her seizures are normal and might be part of her life until she is 5.
We enjoyed Christmas and many events to come before a seizure would return. Any colds or fevers, we would monitor her closely to watch her temperature, it became part of our normal life but we continued to live life to the fullest as we didn't know if a seizure would in fact return!
Stella won the hearts of my new co-workers and was my little fashion model. She didn't mind wearing any of the clothes I would put on her (why would she, they are adorable!) She loved playing in her room and repetitively practice her skills. She was a good eater and loved drinking water. I now notice how many photos we have of Stella with her sippy cup. She loved goldfish crackers. Sean and I love candy but Stella never pushed to eat them but when we gave her a ju-jube she savoured it, holding it in her hand and sucking on it as she pleased. She never worried us by putting things in her mouth or eating dangerous things, she knew better! When we would mention a possible time out, Stella would put her self on the time out carpet on her own and when the minute was up, she often didn't want to leave. One time I remember her watching me, knowing she should be sitting, she would get up and look out for Mommy bending over to see me then sit down when I saw her. What a little devil!
January 6, 2012 one of Stella's first days back at daycare I got the call that Stella was possibly having another seizure. It was bad weather and I was stuck on Derry road bumper to bumper in a panic to make it to my baby. Stella always recovered from her seizures despite being sick, she would end up playing in the hospital and entertaining other with her cuteness. We enjoyed many indoor and outdoor days of fun between that seizure and the next which came too quickly on February 2nd. We had a house full of friends for Superbowl and poor Stells temp spiked and along came another seizure but this time Grandma got to experience it with us. Stella had pneumonia and I struggled knowing what to do and taking time off from work as many parents have.
Stella got better quickly as she always did. She was speaking more and amazed us by knowing many animal sounds and could pick out words on demand. Sean and I loved watching her develop and discover new things. She loved helping us with everything we did and loved to clean. She was helpful putting garbage away without being asked and put our dishes away in the dishwasher. We couldn't believe this was our child! Stella got a kitchen for Christmas and would play for hours in her kitchen.
When Stella found out she would be a big sister, we bought her a baby doll for Valentines day. We got to experience how great of a big sister she would be, feeding her baby and tending to her baby for that last weekend. We spent our last day together on Family Day not knowing what was to come the next day.
Looking back, it will be 5 months ago Stella became our Angel and there were tough times and scary times as all first time parents experience but Stella brought us a lifetime of joy in her short 19 months and 1 day that can never be replaced.
We wish we could celebrate her 2nd birthday with her today, hug and kiss her and watch her enjoy her day with friends and family like we did on this day last year at her ruffle pancake party. A day doesn't go by where I don't think of her, what she would be saying or doing and what she would look like and how she would continue to bring joy to our family. Those big blue eyes that showed so much emotion and that quirky face she would make. Her soft kisses and always holding my hand.
We hope to continue to share our memories with you all and vice versa as its our way for her to continue to live on although she will live on in our hearts forever!
Happy 2nd Birthday to our girl Stella and two years of experiencing the joy of being her Mom even though it has been 5 months since seeing her. All we can now do is help find a cure and research into SUDC and try and remember all those special Stella moments!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STELLA! MOMMY AND DADDY LOVE AND MISS YOU!