Tuesday, 29 November 2016

My Twin Pregnancy Story: The Longest 25 Minutes

Leading up to my first ultrasound, it wasn't until my doctor friend mentioned the chance of having twins, due to my heightened pregnancy symptoms, that I ever thought it would happen, despite twins being in my family. I had instantly felt pregnant, felt extra nauseous and tired. She could only laugh when I told her I was in fact expecting twins. 


We were stronger than ever before, we could and would handle it; whatever came our way, as we did before.

Being our third pregnancy, my husband didn't attend appointments and didn't attend this ultrasound, being my first, as we had been there and done that twice before. The technician told me within minutes that I was expecting twins. I was 7 weeks pregnant. I couldn't believe it.

My belly started to form and grow faster with every pregnancy, especially this one. Weeks went by quickly being busy at home and work. The prenatal testing I had done before was not effective for twin pregnancies, so there was not much for me to do.


My stomach grew fast this pregnancy!
The wait was on until the 19 week anatomy ultrasound appointment. I was very anxious to know  the genders of the babies. In the meantime, my care was transferred from the midwife and I met with a high risk obstetrician. 

The day finally came for the anatomy ultrasound. Sean attended the appointment with me, excited to know the babies genders. This is a longer ultrasound where the technician looks at all of the anatomy. Measurements are taken of the limbs, organs, head and brain among many other body parts. At the end of the first baby's ultrasound the technician told us Baby A is a BOY! I was very surprised! I'm not sure why as it was a 50/50 chance. She then moved onto Baby B. A few minutes into the ultrasound she decided to tell us we were expecting another Boy!! Two boys!! I couldn't believe it.


Ultrasound from that day
We finished up and Sean went back to work while I waited to speak with the OB. I sat there waiting for her mulling over the idea of not only having twin boys but three boys. I was still in shock at the idea and didn't know what to think of it! My thoughts were quickly interrupted by the door opening and the doctor's return. 

She popped her head in and sat down quickly and explained that she reviewed the ultrasound report and wanted to let me know they had found some abnormalities in one of the babies.
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In my head I was thinking, "WHAT?" 


It was like time stood still after those words came out of her mouth. I was in shock. What did this mean? What sort of abnormalities? A huge wave of instant grief came over me. Was this actually happening to us after what we already had gone through? So many thoughts instantly went through my head.


Some of the flowers from Stella's funeral. The rest were in every room of our house.


Was it physical? Was it developmental? What could this mean?

The doctor wanted to explain the abnormalities but I couldn't hear anything without Sean. All I wanted was for Sean to be there with me by my side. For Sean to hold my hand and hold me close. Let me know it was going to be okay, provide some sort of comfort. I called him in tears, with little information I told him what happened and he needed to be here. I waited for his return. 

It was the longest 25 minutes of my life.

I sat alone in the doctor's clinic office at the hospital in absolute and complete shock at the news I had been told. I was shaking in fear and very upset as to what I was going to be told. The fear of the unknown is horrible, especially when you endure it on your own. Waiting is not my strong suit and brought me back to when I waited for the paramedics when Stella passed away. Minutes seemed much longer, I couldn't even see straight when speaking to my next door neighbour shovelling his snow, which was in fact the neighbour from 3 doors down. 

I was in total despair and that feeling had returned.

I sat there sobbing with so many thoughts going through my mind as to what could be wrong, what was going to happen, what would we do and how we would handle it. The shock of the genders, being all boys, had gone out the window and my mind was stuck and transported back to previous feelings of complete desperation. The day I had been waiting for 19 weeks was here and I was hearing something completely different than I ever had before.


22 weeks pregnant, a few weeks after we got bad news
It was ironic because I was so excited in anticipation of the anatomy scan and the reveal of the genders to our friends and family a week later at a party we planned. I didn't think much more about it. Until it was the Sunday before where an eerie feeling of worry came over me.

I was having twins this time, I was older and the possibility of complications was greater, what if something is wrong? 

I felt like something might be wrong, although there were no immediate physical indication to cause me to worry but in my gut I had a bad feeling. And my gut had been right before without even knowing it. I remember having the most wonderful Family Day with Sean and Stella. I remember thinking, if this was the last day together, what a great day it was. Can you believe I actually thought that and it came "true"? It's scary.


The last day we spent with Stella. 
I hadn't thought about the health of my babies after experiencing 2 healthy pregnancies and deliveries, even despite losing Stella so unexpectedly and suddenly. We had always done all of the prenatal testing available to me but never once thought about what we would do if the results were abnormal.

I felt silly for not worrying about the babies before that day and there I was sitting in the office where I got a glimpse of the worst thing an expectant mother could be told - there are abnormalities. 

Not one abnormality; she said plural abnormalities. 

Like most parents anticipating the gender revealing ultrasound, having a healthy baby is the priority, not one gender in particular, but the baby's health was never anticipated or something I focused on. The time leading up to the test results in my previous pregnancies was never a concern. I must have been oblivious as to the array of possible things that could go wrong. This time was different. I felt the floor below me fall through again. I hadn't had these sorts of feelings since Stella passed away but they quickly resurfaced again. And I couldn't help but think, "Why me, why again?"


Photo from our gender reveal - we didn't know what was going on.
Twenty-five minutes slowly but quickly passed by.

My thoughts and tears were halted as I heard footsteps approach there door. It was Sean. My rock, my pillar, my partner and only person who knows how I feel, gone through the loss by my side that morning and the days afterwards. I instantly felt relief having him by there and waited for the doctor's return.

There wasn't much more to tell Sean but to wait - together.

Shortly after, the doctor entered the room with a different look on her face I had never seen before. She knew our story and what we had gone through as she had followed my pregnancy with Hudson. She did not deliver Hudson as we felt confident in my pregnancy leading up to delivery day. 


The moment we met our rainbow baby Hudson.
This was different. We were different. She sat down with a concerned look on her face and began to explain what she saw.

I hadn't felt such an extreme upset since that horrible morning we found Stella. I never thought I would feel it again but we were there and we would try and understand it, in the most straightforward way; if at all possible. We were stronger than ever before, we could and would handle it; whatever came our way, as we did before.


Life kept on after the bad news. Easter morning snack outside.

4 comments:

  1. Oh Christina, how sad, my heart is so sore for you and asean, despite all this, you are such a pillar of strength, and you dealt with all your your hurdles, with such love and respect and dignity. Love your blog xxxx

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  2. This is story is heart touching. How you brought up your twins. It quite tough to bring up a child i can understand your feelings. Your article is so good. Great!

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