On the eve before we woke to the morning that changed our lives forever, I sit here not knowing how to feel. I suddenly feel confused in all of my thought provoking ideas about this new transformed grief.
Time continues to move forward and our rainbow baby Hudson is getting older and sending us finally into a period of parenting that we've waited over 4 years for - toddlerhood.
I guess that means that we are doing alright because we are enjoying this stage of parenting, finally. But then I remember that we should have a four and a half year old at home who would be half way through junior kindergarten and turning 5 this summer. A totally different time in parenting that others are enjoying that we should be. It all gets put back into perspective again and brings me back to those final last days with Stella.
This night 3 years ago we put our baby to bed safely with no idea it would be the last time we ever see her living again. We had so many amazing memories and times that I documented with her but they would never be enough or be able to replace having her here. It's like a choose your own adventure book; except we don't get to choose and it's not truly an adventure or at least a positive one always. How different these last years would have been. I love my life after Stella, ofcourse fully separating the grief that I endure without her here from my current life situation.
It's always bittersweet. Words such as would and should are used too often when thinking about Stella. I am overjoyed to be able to be a mother again after her passing to these wonderful boys; being the sweet, but life would be so different if Stella was here where she should be - and there's the bitter. I wouldn't change what I have but wish it was different too.
I have similar feelings every year that has passed and every moment when I see something or someone that reminds me of her. But as time goes on and our time without her is greater than with her, it seems to get harder.
You would think the waves of grief would be calmer by now. This is true in my emotional and physical ability to deal with her passing; I am not keeled over in my grief anymore. But as the time grows, my thoughts begin to mature and I look at life without her differently. It's hard because I feel like the thoughts that invade my head as to why this happened to us becomes more prominent. My would be Stella memory box, should be filled with 4 plus years of items; except I'm left with the same photos and same memories that are now only focused on the ones that stand out in my head, instead of the minute details I once cherished.
I worry I am forgetting her yet I yearn to know more about her.
As I finish feeding one of the babies and head to bed hoping I can sleep, I worry as always about the thought that everything will be alright and that we could never endure such tragedy again. This is what happens when the unthinkable occurs; it steals every ounce of confidence from you. Every thought becomes confusing as you overthink it. It takes all of my strength to continue on. And please know I will strive to live on as I have and it will be wonderful life because I want it to be. But I will never be able to shake the wish to hold her in my arms for one more measly minute or tell her I miss and love her more and more these past three years she's been gone.