Stella : 1 year gone

Well I can’t believe a year has gone by. It’s both gone by slowly as it feels like Stella is still here when I look at the photos of the past memories, and fast as so much has happened and this horrible day is upon us again. Our little girl was suddenly taken this morning a year ago today and united with my Dad who has always wanted a grandchild. I still can’t believe she’s gone despite writing about her for the past year month by month.
I greatly appreciate everyone’s thoughts, prayers, words of encouragement and being there for me this past year either in person and over social media. I realize my posts got longer and longer as the months go on, which makes sense as I miss Stella more and more. I write these posts to get some of my thoughts onto paper as I often don’t have conversations about these thoughts but mainly I do the posts for Stella. She deserves to be thought of (as I know many of you do on a daily basis) and for my feelings for her and what we’ve gone through to be out in the open. I never want her to be forgotten and writing about her on a monthly basis ensures she is not, in my mind. I plan to continue to write about Stella and hope to start a blog that anyone who wishes to follow can. My intention of these posts isn’t to solicit additional support – I am so grateful to everyone who has provided the support I have received in so many different ways, but I get to live on and Stella doesn't. I will be okay but our poor girl was taken too soon for no reason at all.
We finally received word that Stella’s autopsy was completed. Although I have not yet had the opportunity to review the report, her death was ruled as unexplained. There was nothing found that would have caused Stella’s death. The thought of receiving this news has been on my mind for months. It’s something that I cannot change nor choose. If they had determined there was something wrong with Stella, we might have felt we could have helped her. The fact that there was nothing wrong with her is also upsetting because its not fair that she could be taken for no plausible reason. And in this world of technology and medical intelligence, this doesn’t seem right. How could there be no cause, reason or cure? She was here one minute and gone the next, without a sound or a goodbye.
I think about how Stella may have felt at that moment. Its something that is very hard for me as her mother. Always wanting to protect my children and be there for them, I was not able to help her. We are told her death was likely quick and painless, but we will never know. A friend said she likes to think that when Stella was taken she was having a wonderful dream. I like that thought. It’s the part of death we will never fully understand. I’m not a religious person but I definitely like the spirituality of religion and the thought that Stella is in a better place, that she is an angel.
The term angel has taken a different meaning to me since February 18, 2014. People used to say Stella looked like a cherub, I agree. She had golden blond wavy hair, soft and pudgy skin. What you would imagine a cherub to look like. Now the term is used to describe children, out of true honesty, I find very very difficult to hear. No one should want an angel as a child. I have a hard time when others use this term as I feel it is a special title for her (and other deceased children and ofcourse adults) now that she is gone. I feel protective and selfish over this title. There are so many situations that are difficult now but I try to get by as positively as I can.
A second word I have had a hard time with this past year is saying that Stella died or is dead. I cannot seem to be able to use this harsh description. To me, Stella has passed away. She is not dead, her spirit and memory is very alive and I hope it always will be. I hope to be able to continually speak of her as I hope her younger siblings will feel as though they know their sister. I hope new friends feel they know Stella. Stella is special being my first born as she made me a mother and brought me into motherhood. A whole new world I had always dreamed of. As a mother, as most mothers are, I was instantly constantly worried about Stella, her health, her wellbeing, her growth, and ofcourse her happiness. All of these things were put to the test on many occasions but I always followed my gut and did what made me feel comfortable as her guardian. As I’ve said to many friends, we are the only ones that can advocate for our children and protect them. If you let something go by that bothers you, you will be the only person that you will have to explain to. You will be challenged when those say “it’s normal”, “it’s not that bad”, or compare to their own situations. No one knows your situation but you. I felt my title as Mother was tested after Stella passed away. Our street was lined with police cars, all doing their jobs, to investigate our home and my baby as she layed helpless in her crib. We were confined to our kitchen with a police social worker, a stranger who was thrust into my home at my most vulnerable time. It was extremely reassuring when the investigator returned to our home to return Stella’s bedding, her bunny and the jammies she wore and said the nicest thing anyone could have said in his position at that time. He told us that he could tell how we were such great parents and that we did everything we could do for Stella. He told me we went over and above what most parents would do when Stella had been sick or had seizures and could tell by our home how well Stella was taken care of and our love for her. I am so grateful for those words and will never forget them.
As most parents do, we planned ahead and thought about Stella’s future. We planned financially for her education and helped prepare her for what was ahead by purchasing word books and French language books, only weeks before her passing. We planned to potty train Stella Easter weekend and had purchased big girl panties and did the reading to prepare myself for the potty training. I purchased clothes for the upcoming seasons and planned to take Stella on vacation and finally a visit to Seattle. Stella had birthday and Christmas presents she had yet to wear. Although we planned ahead, I know we lived every day to the fullest but it is hard to not experience these things we planned for.
As we have just experienced Valentine’s day and Stella’s last weekend again, I can say that Stella had the best last weekend with our family and friends. Stella knew she was going to be a big sister and got a baby doll for Valentine’s day that she played with all weekend long. Stella gave her school friends individualized valentines and candy kabobs, despite not being old enough to really eat candy, I didn't care. She showed her classmates with some love before not knowingly having to leave. Stella got to see all of my friends that weekend and got to tell her grandparents she was going to be a big sister. She got to go swimming and take a big plunge into her self-confidence when asked to jump into the pool into my arms. The same baby only a year ago who clung to my shoulders when we got into the pool, slowly gained the confidence to jump into my arms that Sunday. We enjoyed Family Day as a family in our home where she was watched by her proud parents in amazement as she played in her kitchen for an extended period of time. She showed us how she would watch us and all that we did when she used the microwave, put spices on her food and played house. We couldn’t believe we made this little person and how she was growing! I remember having thoughts, what a great family day, even if it was our last. Am I psychic? It's scary that some of my thoughts came true.
The next day was the worst day of my life. It’s a bit of a blur as it was so shocking and upsetting. It was exhausting and left us feeling empty and hopeless without our girl. I know that nothing can be as bad as that one day and it can only get better which has helped me get through today despite having flashbacks of that night not knowing what was to come in the morning and the heartbreak that followed. Our hearts are still broken for Stella but they are growing bigger with love for our baby Hudson and always talking about Stella and our love for her. Stella will never be forgotten or replaced but we definitely have some challenges ahead to keep her memory alive in our family and helping our kids get to know their sister they never will in fact meet.
In order to help keep her memory alive and help positively towards finding a reason and cure for this unknown condition/cause of death, we plan on doing a number of things that we hope to get everyone’s support and involvement.

1. Fundraising in Stella’s memory and for the SUDC program – I’ve already started to think of some fundraising ideas that I hope to bring to fruition this year. I’d love anyone with expertise in the following areas to help if you’d like, including fundraising planning, advertising, graphic design, web design – if you have any ideas or can help with coming up a name for our charity and or events, please contact me. I will contact the SUDC program for their expertise as well.
2. Along with the fundraising, if anyone’s employer sponsors events or can provide expert help or items/product donations for fundraising, please let me know.
3. Blog – if anyone has any expertise on getting a blog started, I’d love to hear from you.
4. Children’s Story – There are all sorts of stories about death out there but I’d like to write one to help children who have lost siblings in such an unexplained way. I don’t want children to fear going to bed at night and I’d like them to understand the love we have for all children in the family those here and those not. There’s a few of you out there that I know could be of some help..you know who you are!

 

Well I will sign off for now as I normally do. Missing Stella more than ever today and hoping she knows how much we love her and always will. Wishing she was here with us physically to enjoy her life. Always wondering what she would be saying and doing and imagining her growth and the little girl she would be turning into at age 2.5. 

Grief never ends...but it changes. It's a passage...not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...it is the price of love. -Author Unkown.

 Stella's 1 year update

Well it's been a while since I have been in touch with you all. We were all so busy after my first birthday, I just didn't get a chance to sit down at the computer.

So much has happened. I had the most fun first birthday ever! Mommy and Daddy had a pancake bar birthday party for me. Mommy made it a ruffle theme, I had a ruffle tiered birthday cake and one for me to smash as well. It was so much fun to see all of my friends and family at my birthday parties!

Mommy ended up finding a new job in August and had to find me daycare quick. We both had our first days on August 12th. I go to a Montessori school in the toddler program with the older kids. I am getting better now at sleeping on a cot for only 1 nap time as opposed to the two I had at home with Mommy. I love going to "school". Over the past 3 months since I last wrote, I have learned so many things, especially since being at school these past two months. I put pom poms into bottles, toothpicks into holes, pipe cleaners into holes too. I love to paint and draw as well. I am learning songs and poems at school. I also learn day to day things that help me be more independent!

I love to help out around the house (check out the last video!). I put my toys away and put little bits of garbage in the bin all by myself without anyone asking! I like to copy Mommy and sweep the floor, windex the floor (when she does the table), put clips in my hair (which I don't keep in anymore), put belts and necklaces on...I try and put my socks and shoes on but its hard. I am able to put Daddy's shoes on his feet though. I leave a trail of mess everywhere I go....

I understand most things that Mommy and Daddy ask but I am a very determined girl and don't always want to give things away. I always have to have something in my hand, let it be while walking up the stairs, or in my car seat..wherever (you will notice my snack cup and water cup a lot in my photos). I do know how to switch from hand to hand so I can get dressed or in the car seat while holding on. I am dancing some pretty crazy moves lately, anytime I hear music I "get low" like Jack does but I have also developed some spinning moves and other groovy moves I will teach Jack next time I see him!

We got to spend a week in August with Uncle Darron, Auntie Colette, Jack, Grandma and Grandpa at the cottage. We had a BLAST, as usual. Jack and I kept eachother busy the entire time playing together. Jack gives love but I give hugs..so then Jack gave me hugs every 10 mins. We fall to the ground hugging. I love my cousin!

I don't cry anymore when Mommy drops me at daycare. I come home very tired and very dirty, with sand everywhere! I love the sand box and even go down the slide on my own. My teacher told Mommy that I am "the boss" at daycare. I know when its time to go outside and go get my shoes even before the teacher says so. I wave and say bye to the kids when I leave. I LOVE saying hi all the time even when I have been home a while.

My hair is growing like crazy and getting curly! I have 8 teeth now. What 3 months can bring! I love to use a fork and spoon and feed myself. I say hi, bye, Mama, Dada..I sign "more" and "milk" and say mmmm when I want milk. I nod yes and no. I was pointing at my yoghurt while making noises the other morning, Mommy asked me would you like some yoghurt? I answered by nodding my head! Mommy keeps saying how helpful I am around the house!

I now RUN all of the time. I was walking really well shortly after my last update. I get told to slow down as I am such a busy body running with my arms swinging. You can see me run in some videos.

Other fun events this past few months...going to the cottage with Friend T and Friend K, going to K's, S's, M's and T's 1st birthday parties, sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa's for M&D's anniversary in Sept, a trip to the emergency room by ambulance (I'm ok! chest infection), going to the outdoor pool in July, getting another ear infection (not fun event), Thanksgiving, Mountsberg with M&D, walking by stroller and going to the playground after daycare with Mommy and Daddy, lastly getting professional photos done today!

Sorry for such a long update but so much has happened. I am as happy as ever and sooo giggly! I hope you all are too!

Love Stella

Stella : 11 months since our life changed

It's been 11 months since our life changed. Every month when I re read Stella's monthly update I am amazed at all the development she had and then I think about everything that has happened the past 11 months since Stella left. Last year around this time we were enjoying watching our little girl play with her Christmas presents and point out the pictures in her books. Stella would be 2.5 years old yesterday and I'm sure by now she would be talking our ears off or better yet, I'd take a crazy tantrum or two if she could just be here with us. I would take the worst toddler behaviour, I wouldn't mind. I'd love to be exhausted looking after a newborn and running after a toddler!
We were able to get through Christmas mainly by being extremely busy. It's hard not to think about how life would be while also being greatly appreciative for what we do have and all that is to come for our family. We will always think of Stella..I can't count how many times I think of her daily. I'm still not past all of the emotions we are left with and the flashbacks to that day. I'm so glad I didn't have to tell many of my close friends or family but think of my frantic call moments after our life changed to my Mom. It's upsetting to think about that morning and the shock of our horrible discovery and the words that I can't fully remember saying over the phone line. It wasn't a conversation that I eased into. And the phone call from my best friend asking if it was true. It was and always will be. It is true that we had the imaginable happen. It is true that we are a family who lost a child. It is true that she is gone. It is true that Stella was the brightest little star in our life and she forever changed it for the good. It is true that she rests in peace and that we will never forget her. It is true that we speak of her often with smiles on our face. It is true that I will always consider her as part of our family and that I have two children. Amongst all of the truths, it is not true that she was brought here for a specific reason or that everything happens for a reason - I've never believed that.
With one more month until Stella's Angel Anniversary, I remember all of the events that were to come last year with no idea that it would be our lasts. We always lived life to the fullest, like it was our last. I know that many of the coming days will be tough but I try to remember that no day can be any tougher than 1 second of the horror from February 18th 2014. So I move forward trying to focus on the million of wonderful moments that came before that one worst moment...cherish them, speak of them often and openly with anyone who will listen and go from there as best we can!

Missing you dearly my dear sweet girl.

 Stella's 11 month update

I am 11 months already! This past month went by so quickly as I was so busy learning and keeping Mommy (and Daddy) busy!

I now walk over 15 steps between Mommy and Daddy...over and over again, its so much fun. I walk on grass, carpet, up hill, around objects, stop to pick something up and continue on but don't like to go on my own. I also walk between my toys and the couch but I love to hold Mommy's finger to walk instead so she follows me around a lot with just the light grasp of one of her fingers. I think I am getting spoiled and just prefer to walk with Mommy. Mommy tries to encourage me to go on my own but I just cry and sit down.

I am still growing but mostly development wise. When Mommy brushes her hair I take the brush and help her brush it. I know what to do with the nail scrub brush in the bath, I put it u to my foot. I stack my water cups in the bath and actually do them in the right order! I also can point to the polar bears nose and starting to learn where the nose, eyes and ears are. I wave goodbye without even getting prompted by my parents and I love to share my food on my tray. I put it in Daddy's mouth but sometimes I pull it away and put it in mine and laugh - I like to tease! I also keep busy picking things up and putting them down and don't make such a mess with my toys anymore as I put the blocks back in their box.

Mommy keeps thinking another tooth will poke through as I had all of the symptoms, cranky, slight fever, chewing everything I can get my hands on, touching my ears...maybe another tooth is on its way but not for this update.

I just spent 11 nights at the cottage and boy did the blackflies and huge mosquitos love me. I have bites all over my face, back, neck, hands and head! I scratch the ones on the back of my head but otherwise I'm okay with it. But I have been quite fussy lately...I'm so busy I get so tired! I laugh a lot more than I have the past 10 months.

My birthday party will be on Saturday July 20th, I can't wait (mark your calendars!). Here are my photos this month!

Love Stella

Stella : 10 months an angel

The 18th has creeped up on us again. 18 used to surprisingly be my favourite number but 10 months ago today it became a date I would never forget. I watched Ellen yesterday and heard of a family that suddenly lost their little boy at 3.5 years old and then today I watched Marilyn Dennis and they made a little girl's wish came true, her name is Stella. Somehow I am constantly reminded of our little sweet girl in everything I do. Ofcourse I think of her hundreds of times in a day but to hear of these stories it brings ours to the front of my thoughts.
Christmas is a time for family, a time for giving and a different time for us this year. The lead up of course as I have mentioned before is always worse then the actual day itself so I am sure it will be the same next week as well for us. My brain still doesn't compute that Stella will never be here again. Hudson is at an age where Stella being 19 months or her now being 29 months old, I can imagine her as his big sister. As time goes by, she will less and less feel like my children's older sister but the little baby who would have been their big sister, which makes me sad.
As always, I am generally doing really well but Stella is on my mind much more these past few weeks with the Christmas rush happening. It hasn't been as much fun preparing for Christmas as it normally has been the past 2 years. I wouldn't be up for much if it wasn't for Hudson. I am greatly looking forward to spending time with our families but I would have no problem skipping Christmas this year. Its just a reminder of what we are missing with Stella. On the other hand, as always there is another side to all of our feelings, I am so grateful for all that we DO have and am concentrating on those aspects of life. Its a great reminder to enjoy the family you do have in the present, while of course remembering those who are not and not worry about the meaningless things in life. As hard as it is for me, being the emotional person I am. Concentrate your love, feelings and energy towards those worthy of it and cherish the ones who gladly return it.
Its been 10 months of happy and apprehensive steps forward with my pregnancy and birth of Hudson but also 10 months of deep sadness and longing for Stella.
Thank you to all those who constantly look out for us, your text messages and facebook comments, your emails, small acts and gifts of kindness and help constantly amaze me and got me through the craziness of pregnancy after our great loss and get me through the days since. For those who I have become closer with through this unbelievable time (some of you were strangers 10 months ago) and those who have stood strong by my side - I greatly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.
  

Happy Holidays to all xo

Here is Stella's 10 month update.

I am now double digits, 10 months old! And the biggest news I want to share is that I finally have 2 teeth and I took my first steps this past month!! I haven't been too upset over my new teeth surprisingly. Grandma noticed two sharp buds and now I have two full fledge teeth on the bottom that you can see in some of my 10 month old photos. I think I have more on the way! Stay tuned..

I have been walking holding onto two hands since the end of January (walking with two hands is "so February" lol), then I started to walk with only one hand holding onto Mommy after we got back from Mexico. And the week before Mother's Day I took steps on my own! The only person I like to walk to is Mommy as I'm not quite confident yet on my own, so I let go and sit down unless I'm walking to Mom. Mommy says I can do it as I hardly hold onto her finger tip anymore and I basically walk on my own...I'm just waiting to surprise everyone and take off!!

I now eat most of the food Mommy and Daddy eat at the dinner table. I love chicken breast, grilled zucchini and nearly everything else. I don't always like puree anymore as I like to feed myself. You will see lots of photos of me eating.

I'm so happy and excited that my new friend has arrived...Baby B is Mommy's friend's daughter and my new BFF!! I am going to teach her so much!

I still make funny faces...I scrunch my face and breathe in and out quickly. I also open my mouth wide and scrunch my nose and eyes. I say Mama and Dada. I also started learning animal sounds! I make BAA BAA and NEIGH sounds. I love turning the book pages. I shake the rattle when you say SHAKE SHAKE, and dance when you say DANCE DANCE as well as kick in the bath. I am starting to copy everything from noises to faces to funny sounds with my mouth. I am still screaming to get attention which Mom doesn't like much but I do understand the word NO. Sometimes I think its funny when Mommy says it.

I'm still dancing to music and love to multi task by playing with a rattle and walking with my walker. You can watch my walk on the videos on my own and with the walker. I also cruise holding multiple items...Mommy always seems to multi task so I do too.

Here is what I have been up to this month! I went to the cottage! Love to you all near and far...hopefully one day we all can experience life together...face to face!

Stella : 9 months since she grew her angel wings

I sat in bed last night thinking about how today it has been 9 months still Stella grew her angel wings. Life although it has been moving forward quickly feels like it is at a stand still regarding Stella. I continually struggle with this thought as its mind blowing she is still not here with us. We are generally doing great as we have been given a new joy with Hudson in our lives but its not the same without our sweet girl. Hearing friends daughters say his name so cutely in different ways and watch them interact is so nice to experience but a sad reminder of what Stella might be doing and saying at 28 months old. Gearing up for Christmas reminds me of so many great times together. Oh how this Christmas would have been different with two kids to sit on Santa's lap. I think this is a good chance for me to look at some of her videos, its been a little while, in the meantime, here is Stella's 9 month update. It's amazing how much growth and development happens in 9 months time. I feel like it was yesterday I posted her 8 month update.

We love you Munchkin Girl!

I am now 9 months old! We just got back from Mexico, where we celebrated Grandma's birthday..I also turned 9 months old while there. I am a pretty strong crawler now on my hands and knees but I still prefer to walk and am obsessed with walking! I pick up a lot of speed and run to Daddy and after my cousin. I also let go of the hands and stand for up to 5 seconds or so. I've also started walking with only holding one hand too. My couch cruising skills are getting faster and I also bend down to pick things up while cruising. I cruise and crawl with food in my hands sometimes, I have a tight grip.

I got to enjoy so many foods in Mexico and use both hands to put (shove) food in my mouth (I love grouper fish)...I am like a squirrel and keep food in my cheeks. I love all foods and love feeding myself. I learned so much from my cousin in Mexico, from eating foods and squealing (screaming) with delight! I got so much attention from the guests, staff and my family I now seek attention by screaming - Mommy is not very happy about this.

My hair is getting thicker and I still have no teeth but drooling as usual for the past 6 months - my shirt is always wet. I go to the library with Mom and crawl to the front of the room to get a close look at the book being read. I really like the Joe Fresh commercial, it always gets my attention when its on and I wave my arms in excitement. I loved swimming in the pool in Mexico and slept in my stroller by the pool for all of my naps, it was so relaxing. I slept a bit on the plane and walked the aisles and played..everyone commented how good I was! I wasn't as good on the way home since I learned to squeal but people still said I was a good travelling baby although I didn't let Mommy sit down for long.

I got to visit my friends before we left for Mexico and attended also a baby shower. I can't wait for Baby B to arrive. I'm such a lucky girl with so many people to love and who love me.

Stella : 8 months since that horrible day

8 months have now gone by since that horrible day in February. I can't believe its been that long since we've cuddled our girl we miss so dearly. Stella would have now met her new little brother Hudson..I wish we could experience them meeting. Although we only know Stella as a 19 month old I can only imagine how she would act as a 27 month old (as of yesterday). Would we be dealing with the terrible twos and the extreme determination at this age - probably so! Stella was such a level, even keeled toddler its hard to imagine her any other way but I'm sure as she would have grown these past 8 months things would have changed. I see so much of Stella in her baby brother. He is so familiar to me and similar to his big sister when she was born, although he is definitely more boyish looking! Surprisingly, as always, when we finally arrive at a situation we have been waiting and anticipating, its always been better than what I expected. Stella was part of the delivery with her photo at our side and part of our first family photos by including Baby Stella doll as planned. Hudson has been hearing about his sister Stella and his Dida Mike already. It's still hard to believe she's not here and I don't have both of my children by my side and our family of 4. We are thrown back in time to memories of bringing Stella home as our first born but this time its much harder as our family isn't as it should be and never will be. It's not fair they don't get to meet on another but we are trying to stay positive and enjoy these first few weeks together as a little family. Hudson was brought into this world after his Great Grandfather passed away and he is truly a gift to our family that Stella is watching from up above!

 Stella's 8 month update

I am now 8 months old. It's been another busy month as usual! The biggest news is that I started to crawl this past month. I started to pull myself and now I am pushing hard and picking up some speed. I am always grabbing for Mommy's fingers so I can use them stand up and walk around. I don't want to sit and want to walk all the time! I also hate being on my own, I love being with Mommy...reaching for her even when with Daddy. Mommy stays busy with me these days.

I say both Dada and Mama. When Mommy holds me and Daddy come around and when I see him I say Dada. I usually only say Mama when I am upset and crying. Mommy and Daddy also hear me say "hello!" like they say in the morning - I don't quite say the word but make the sound of the word. I clap my hands together, get excited when music is on and wave my arms up and down when I am happy and excited. I pull myself up to the couch and have cruised along the couch trying to grab water glasses, cell phones and the tv remote. When Mommy sits on the ground I crawl onto her lap and up her onto the couch. My crib was lowered as I started to stand in my crib.

Still no teeth but that doesn't stop me from enjoying food. I now eat (suck on) cantaloupe and strawberries. I also had pieces of steamed carrot...feeding myself! I still LOVE puffs. I still drool and gnaw on my fingers so something must be on the way. I love Mama's milk so she doesn't mind that I don't have teeth! I also love to drink water from a straw and tend to chug it like Daddy!

I really enjoy hanging out with all of my baby friends. I love to play and watch others play. I even crawl over to other Mommy's for a visit and cuddle. We are getting ready for our family trip next month...getting summer clothes and gear out and prepped. I cannot wait to "tear up" the resort and cruise around with Cousin J - watch out Cabo - ay ay aye!!

Stella : 7 months missed

It's been 7 months today that we lost our sweet Stella. Time is continuing to pass quickly as we have been busy at home and work, its hard to believe Stella is going to miss the arrival of her little brother in a few weeks time. Thinking of two people who aren't here with us, one that will be and one that won't ever be is difficult and wanting to include each into eachothers lives - we know that won't be fully possible. I've had lots of thoughts of how to continue to include Stella in our family - she is always in our thoughts and we talk about her..I plan to hopefully finish Stella's memory wall at our house and to include her Baby Stella doll into our photos in her place. I will pack a photo of Stella to have at the hospital so her little Bro is introduced right away to Stella. Unfortunately this little guy will be exposed to life in a different way than others kids because in order for him to know his sister he will know a part of life that no one should have to know about that early - ofcourse we plan to explain things age appropriately but we can't not tell him about Stella. I say it every month but its crazy to me that she is not here with us and the thoughts of what Stella would be doing - I see how much she grew in her first 7 months but what would this past month include?! Watching my nephew interact with his new little brother is so sweet to watch but very difficult at the same time as I can imagine how Stella would love and welcome her little brother.

Although I know its been hard on everyone, I appreciate everyone sharing their thougths about Stella with me. If anyone has photos that I don't have copies of, I'd love to get them.

Miss you baby girl everyday xoxo

Stella's 7 month update

I am now 7 months old...getting much closer to turning 1! It's always a busy month.. I'm still teething and drooling but no teeth are poking out yet. My hair is growing tons and evening out all over. I love to eat! There really isn't much food I don't like (except green veggies!). Mommy made me home made healthy food which I love. I self feed puffs so quickly now, I pop them in my mouth and love them!

I'm attached to Mommy lately..whenever she leaves the room I look for her but I have had a great time while being babysat by Gran, Grandma and Grandpa, Great Uncle G and Auntie E while Mommy and Daddy have some time out together. I LOVE to blow raspberries just to be silly but I also do it when I am tired or when I don't like food or certain things. I've started to dance when my parents say "Dance Dance Stella!" and I also now jump in my jumper now. I now know how to put one foot in front of the other (see video!) and as you know, I love to stand so now I take off and start walking everywhere with some help. I am a bit apprehensive but am sooo close to crawling. I sit then go on all fours, then sit then go on all fours and nearly pounce forward when I am excited. Sometimes I land on my belly then I act like I am swimming in the pool! I started swim lessons and was worried and clung to Mommy with my head burried in her shoulder but now after two more lessons, I splash so much that Mommy gets all wet and her makeup runs down her face! My legs kick under the water and I can float on my back wearing a life jacket. The instructor is amazed at me!

I got my passport and am ready to go on vacation in April to Cabo Mexico with the entire family..I can't wait to see my cousin J! Until then, I am here in the snow. We had a huge snow storm with over one foot of snow on our street. I sat outside in my snow suit for the first time in snow! I looked like a pink little eskimo in my snowsuit!

I'm still watching my sign language dvd's and I've started to do one of the signs! I sign "eat"..I put my hands together and tap my mouth a few times. I don't really know what it means yet but I am signing! I celebrated and watched my first Superbowl..I was decked out in red, white and gold with a matching headband but it was too bad that Daddy's team didn't win, probably because I stopped cheering for them when I went to bed.

I keep growing and getting taller and thinner! I'm such a busy body, I don't stop touching anything I can get my hands on especially cell phones and the tv remote and put them in my mouth. I sit on the couch with Daddy, pull myself up and crawl and wrestle all over him. I even stand myself up on my own. You would think I can walk or crawl by the way I am all over the place!

Stella : 6 months since our little girl left us

It's been 6 months today that our little girl left us. Again I think of all the wonderful things that happened in Stella's first six months of life and life since has definitely been less joyful and exciting despite having so much go on - we would prefer to have Stella experience it with us. It's crazy to think that half a year has gone by. I constantly wonder what Stella would be up to, what she would be saying and what she would look like as we see our friends children growing and developing so much. It's still very hard to not be busy with a little one but that will change very soon with the arrival of our boy in 7 weeks, or if he decides to come early like Stella, 4 weeks?!? We are getting things ready but its a challenge as our family is not complete without Stella and I wish we could seeing Stella interact with her brother - that's half the fun of growing a family. Our love for Stella was cut off instantly and I know our love will grow for this little guy but it will definitely be an adjustment while getting to know him. He will definitely hear much about his big Sister, who we know would love him very much.

As my pregnancy moves forward, ofcourse I am becoming more tired and more emotional!! So this past little while has been hard not having our family together to enjoy J and J's wedding and Oma's 90th today and all the memories along the way and in day to day life. But we know things will get better with time, although time is also hard -a double edged sword.

So much happened in Stella's first six months of life and I realize it when I re read her six month update. Here it is. Stella would be 2 years and 1 month tomorrow. Missed daily...never forgotten.

Stella's 6 month update

Hi Everyone,

It's time to celebrate, its my half year birthday! 6 months have passed by so quickly in our family! This month I have perfected sitting up. Although I still LOVE to stand, I love to hang out sitting up and on my tummy. Sometimes I fall over but I don't normally hit my head as I can scrunch my body up to avoid face planting! I am starting to get ready to crawl, pushing my knees under my bottom. I am learning to clap, so far I wave my arms around and hit my legs. I am interested in EVERYTHING, I'm very curious and need to touch everything and put it in my mouth..wait till I start crawling! Watch out!

I guess I was a good girl because Santa visted our house for my first Christmas! I had a wonderful Christmas dinner complete with starting solids with the entire V family...cereal to start and since then I love peas, carrots and sweet potato, butternut squash, apples and peaches, banana and blueberries. I love sitting at the table in my highchair with Mommy and Daddy for dinner as a family.

I'm still drooling and gnawing on my fingers a lot but no teeth have poked through. Mommy thinks she sees one coming..stay tuned! I stopped sleeping through the night temporarily but seem to be back on track again. I now sleep on my tummy, since I am such a good roller, I roll to my tummy right away once in my crib. I got lots of fun toys for Christmas, I especially love my pink vanity complete with a compact, comb, lipstick, powder puff and mirror from Great Uncle G and my cousins W and J! I also got a fun jumpy car from Great Uncle B and Great Aunt P. I caught up with my cousin J for a few days and we had so much fun together playing just like old times at the cottage. J makes me giggle a lot. Oh yeah, I also giggle now! Daddy makes me giggle the most..

My dark hair that I was born with at the back is now falling out, all over the place and my lighter hair continues to grow in on top. Everyone loves my headbands that Mommy makes so she has been making them for my friends. I'm getting taller but we will know how much I have grown next week for my 6 month shots. I'm long and strong but still have rolly polly legs and "Michelin arms" as Daddy calls them. Just before Christmas I got my ears pierced.

Santa brought me baby signing dvds which I love to watch...they keep me interested for the entire movie! Mommy sings the songs with me and sometimes sings them even when the dvd isn't on. I start swim lessons at the end of the month and I have my bathing suit ready to go.. I made new friends this month too..I finally met my friend L from Vancouver as well as the twins A and C. I watch Mommy do her exercise class and I kick my legs and copy Mommy. I give lots of cuddles and big wet kisses.

Anyway, that's it for now...a month in the life of me, Stella Eve!