We Thought We Could Avoid It!

We thought we could hide and avoid it! We couldnt hide behind Walker's owls either - we went two years without getting it. It was unfortunately our time.

How my Twin Toddlers are Adapting to Childcare

This post was created in partnership with Kids & Company.

Sending your little ones off to childcare is a rite of passage all working families experience at some point in time. After spending a busy 14 months with my twin boys, it was time for me to return to work, outside of the home.

Well, That Was a GONG Show!

I was so excited to have Hudson home for his first week of "part time" daycare. Our plan was for him to go three times a week but with the uncertainty of Walker's health needs we decided we would start with one day home a week; hence the quotation marks.

 

I love having some one-on-one time with Hudson and had high expectations for our first day home together

What's on My Plate for 2017?

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I've tried writing this blog several times over the past few days. It's funny how a bit of extra time has made us a little lazier lately?! Sean came down withe flu which in turn did me in for parenting in his place for a few days, leaving me exhausted as well. 

Lazy days over the holidays with my boys!

Last Night Was My Breaking Point

It's like he has toddler-sense. He knows exactly when I'm feeling exhausted or defeated to act up. A double edged sword - I can't handle the behaviour, in turn it appears to be worse and I handle it different than I would if I had the energy to deal with it; and he acts up even more.

Things quickly get messy around here lately

She's back! And we have a surprise!!!!

Okay I've taken the big plunge and did it. I'm back! Where have I been you may ask?

Stella : The Cherub in our Garden of Life

Well I can't seem to shake the 18th of the month (this one being 14 months since her passing), I don't think I ever will but since Stella one-year angel anniversary I had decided to stop my monthly posts, just as I did with her growth and development updates. After one year I did quarterly updates. I now move forward with my blog and perhaps I will be more haphazard about my once structured posts. 

Stella : 4 months gone

Facebook post from June 18, 2014

Our Stella would be 23 months old yesterday now that she has been gone 4 months today. It's amazing how much used to happen when Stella was around. I realize this when I re-read her monthly updates. Life is definitely different and I probably think about her as much as she used to fill my day while here with us. We are getting more excited for our move in 20 days and now that I am past 6 months pregnant but its just not the same without Stella here by our side. We've kept busy packing and getting ready for our move and our baby boys arrival but wishing she could be part of it although are trying to cherish the times we did have with her but its just not good enough. We hope to refocus this energy on helping the SUDC cause and cure and plan to start thinking of how we will fundraise in the coming years in Stella's memory.

Stella's 4 month update

Hi Family and Friends,

I wanted to let you all know I am now 4 months old! I have been so busy the past month! Mommy and I go to Mother Goose class where we sing songs with other babies. I love to sing along with the songs, even when no other babies do. We also go to Mom and Baby Zumba. Mommy and I dance to all sorts of songs while I sit in my carrier and sometimes I fall asleep during class. The sleep training worked as I now sleep through the night. I get much more rest and wake up happy in the morning after 12 hours in my crib. I decided to roll over this month as well. I've only done it 5 times but I love to be on my tummy. I still love to stand and I can do it quite well with only be held by my hands..I prefer to stand than sit most of the time. I can hold toys with both of my hands and I can also put my own pacifier in my mouth and put it back in when it falls out close to me. My tummy is ticklish now too! I haven't quite started to giggle yet but I sure do love to smile, even to strangers who stop to stare at me at the mall!

I now play in my activity jumper! I don't quite touch the floor yet but I keep myself busy and entertained with the music and toys. I still go to cheerleading practice. I lay on my blanket and watch the girls then I have something to eat and go to bed in my carseat while Mommy coaches. The girls always love to see me! Our family got outdoor professional photos taken this month. We hope to get them soon. I have started to drool like crazy, my tops get all wet. I dressed up for my first Halloween, I was a cupcake. We went to the mall, walked Downtown and visited my neighbours homes for Halloween fun. I also gave out candy to the kids at the door. I've attended a few birthdays but I go to sleep early on other peoples beds..I don't mind if its loud, I sleep anyway. Our family took a trip this weekend to visit Uncle J's new home. I played with Auntie J's doggies and got to know Uncle J and Auntie J much better. I also went to the Santa Clause Parade yesterday and heard about Santa..I slept through the parade and missed Santa, but that's ok, I'm sure I will see him again. 

 

Halloween 2013

Mommy and I get together with our soccer friends once a month and the neighbours on Friday mornings. I normally just hang and play on my own..I'm quite content playing on my own. One of the older babies James will come up to me and give me hugs and kisses while I play on the playmat. His Mommy is worried he will hurt me but I don't mind, I just let him hug and kiss me.

Mommy thinks my eyes look like her now, especially in the picture called "Stella 4 mos 8". Mommy also has been busy making crafts..she made my headband and my Halloween costume.

Well that's it for this month. I better go as its my nap time at 9:30am...

Love Stella

Our Story: What happened to Stella?

Our Stella was born three weeks before her due date. She was 7 pounds 4 ounces and ready to meet her family and take on the world! Stella was a bright blue eyed curious baby, who would look around at her surroundings before making her move. She was strong, sitting up at 4 months and taking her first steps holding our hands at 6 months and walking by 9 months. She slept through the night at 3.5 months and continued always sleeping through, although I will say now, Stella slept too well.

Stella started daycare in August 2013 at nearly 13 months of age in the toddler room. She was a strong walker and could keep up with the older kids easily and loved going to school. Of course along with those adventures are the typical viruses that come with it. It was Thanksgiving weekend, early October, Stella awoke from her nap and I noticed she had bright red cheeks and was burning up.  Quickly I took her temperature, called my Mom for support and went downstairs to give her tylenol.  As I was holding her bare diaper cladded body trying to cool her with a wet washcloth, Stella had a seizure in my arms. I thought at first she was shivering with cold. Her eyes rolled back into her head and her body was lifeless. Panicked, not knowing what to do, we ran outside to rush her to the hospital, yelling in the streets for help. Our neighbours quickly came to our rescue and told us Stella was breathing and held her and comforted her. We called the ambulance and Stella was taken to the hospital. Stella had a febrile seizure and had a mild case of pneumonia.

I had a febrile seizure at 2 years old and was told it can be hereditary.  We were told Stella could have more and that they are normal.  Most children outgrow them by age 5.

Stella had a few colds after that, with one cough that lingered a little while. We took her to many visits to the doctor's office and into the hospital if she had a fever, for our own peace of mind. We were prescribed puffers but we told she didn't need them. We celebrated our second Christmas and returned back to work and daycare after a great break together. A week later as I was leaving work, I got a call from Stella's daycare, the worst happened.  Stella's teacher thought Stella was having another seizure but this time she wasn't shaking but stiff with her arms to her side. I ask her teacher to call an ambulance and my husband would be on his way. It was a snow storm that day and I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic only a few kilometers from the hospital. A parents worse nightmare, not being able reach your child. I wanted to yell and tell the cars to move so I could get to my baby faster.

Stella was resting calmly with her Daddy when I reached the hospital and later was moving about entertaining others in the hospital hallways and watching her favourite dvd's on our portable player that her Daddy went home to get for her. Stella had tests done that came back with no answers, she wasn't sick, it was only a fever that quickly elevated. Stella had a fever for a few days and was back to her old self. A few weeks later, Stella had her 18 month vaccinations. Although I was told it was normal (and I believe that to be true) Stella had a huge egg size lump in her thigh from the shots. Poor baby.

February came along and we found out we were expecting our second baby and shared this news with Stella. We had been invited to a friends baby shower about 1 hour away from our house. Stella had a great time dressed in her full chambray skirt with the few curls in her golden hair. She wasn't herself as she had some diarrhea, I took her temperature. It was low grade so I gave her some tylenol and we decided to go home. By the time we got home, after Stella napped for the car ride, we went into our home to greet our friends for our annual Superbowl party but Stella had a fever. I took her temperature and realized it was 39 degrees. I took her upstairs with my husband and my Mom to cool her down and give her medication and shortly afterwards after Stella was moaning Mama while I held her in my arms she had another seizure. We did the usual, called the ambulance and off to the hospital we went.

Stella had all sorts of tests taken again and rested peacefully sleeping on top of me on the hospital bed. We were told she had pneumonia again. Stella had no symptoms! She was eating and drinking so we were sent home. With the help of my Mom, my best friend and her Mom, Stella's loving Daddy and myself we stayed home with Stella for 1.5 weeks. We followed up with a pediatrician after 1 week and were told it was still there a bit but by the next week she was ready to return to daycare.

We decided after the second febrile seizure we would educate Stella's daycare about febrile seizures and put an action plan into works. The booklet I put together described why she had the seizures, what she would do and look like, what to do and what not to do. I listed what temperatures to give her meds or to cool her down and call me. We felt we would be educate everyone so it wouldn't be such a scary thing.

That Friday was Valentine's Day. I prepared Valentine's for everyone in Stella's class.  I made candy kabobs and Valentine's messages from Stella to spread her love with her classmates. That morning I was surprised with a diamond eternity band to match my wedding band - the one I had wanted for a few years. I went to work happy knowing it was a long weekend and I would be off work early. I listened to a favourite song happily on my way to work. I got off work at 3pm excited to be able to pick Stella up from daycare as I normally wasn't able to. Her daycare called me and said she had a low grade fever that day and they gave her some tylenol. 

We got home and enjoyed watching Stella play with the baby doll we gave her for Valentine's Day that morning. She fed her baby her special Valentine candies and gave her some milk. We video taped her in amazement as she hugged her dolly. She was going to be a great big sister.

The next night I had my girlfriends over for a few drinks. Stella played quietly while I prepared for our friends to arrive. Stella got to see all of my friends briefly before heading to bed. I checked her often, as usual, worrying about the fever returning. The next morning we rushed to get ready to attend Stella's second session of swimming lessons.  Although only being better a few weeks I decided to take her and not put her head under water. Stella was asked to jump into my arms in the water, this was something very advanced for our new "swimmer". Stella eventually stepped off the ledge into my arms.

Later that evening, we visited my Mom and Stepdad and planned to share our exciting baby news. I prepared a note for Stella to give her Grandma that read "I am being promoted to Big Sister October 2014".  Stella shared the news with our family happily. We spent the evening together and had a nice dinner.

The next day was the Family Day holiday. We planned to stay home and take it easy. Stella put her finger in her ear and I knew it must be an ear infection, a common thing she got. She wasn't running a fever nor acted out of the ordinary so we decided we would go to the doctor the next day after daycare. We stayed in our pj's all day and Stella played at home with us. She had so much fun playing in her kitchen. She cooked food in the microwave, added spices and drank from a cup while we sat video taping her in amazement at our big girl and how she played. We were so proud of Stella. We made crafts as Stella was crafty like me but that was stopped when she decided to put her markers in her mouth and all over her face. Time for a shower to remove the marker and an early bedtime! In bed by 6:30pm.

Stella woke at 9pm asking for Dada so we went downstairs as it was a Monday night and I was watching the Bachelor which Sean couldn't stand. Stella got a cuddle from Daddy and he took her back up to bed. We went to bed at 10pm and Stella woke briefly sitting up and said "poopoo", laid back down to sleep again. Sean woke up to Stella stirring at 1am, checking on her, she was getting comfortable holding onto her pink bunny.

I normally wake at 6am, get ready then wake Stella at 6:30am for the day. That morning Sean woke and checked on Stella while I showered. It's not very clear to me anymore exactly what happened or what I heard but I remember hearing stomping sounds and Sean ran into the bathroom and I think he said Stella was gone. I jumped out of the shower as he ran back and forth from her bedroom to ours. I called 911 but Sean said it was too late. I didn't believe it and called. He was instructed to do CPR on Stella and he asked me to stay out of the room. I ran downstairs and waited for the ambulance. It had snowed a lot that night and the roads had a foot of snow. The ambulance took forever. I called again and was told it was on its way. The ambulance arrived and only attended to Stella in her room for a few minutes. She was already gone a few hours and there was nothing that could be done.

We waited in shock in our kitchen while the police entered our home to investigate. We couldn't believe what had happened. Our sweet baby passed away in the dark of the morning in her crib on her own without us knowing what was going on. The police were there by 6:30am and didn't leave until after 1pm. We spoke with the police and coroner and told them our story. I had called my Mom moments after Sean told me what happened. That call haunts me as I told my Mom Stella was gone and they rushed to our home. My Mom wasn't able to come into the house to comfort us.

As the day went on, I had calls from my bestfriends who heard the news. They didn't believe what happened and immediately came to us from near and far. Some ran out of meetings and others took cabs from Toronto. That day was the worst day of my life having to greet our friends and tell them what happened.

A few days later the Coroner told us they did the initial look at Stella and saw that she had a minor ear infection (as I thought) and a dry cough, as I knew. Everything else looked fine. The police took all of Stella's bedding, bunny and clothing to investigate and later returned it to us and told us that they could tell that we are amazing parents and did everything we could for Stella.  They could see it by our home as soon as they walked in. It was so comforting to hear this from the people who respectfully investigated our home.

It wasn't until recently that we were told Stella's autopsy report was finalized and her cause of death is unexplained. There was nothing wrong with Stella to cause her to die.  Although her history of febrile seizures we are told did not attribute to her death, I cannot help but remember what we went through health wise.  As we had thought, Stella's death was like SIDS but for babies older than 12 months old called SUDC - Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood.  Research is being undertaken on the link between febrile seizures and SUDC.  Until more research is done, we have no cause, no reasons and no answers.

Stella : 10 months an angel

The 18th has creeped up on us again. 18 used to surprisingly be my favourite number but 10 months ago today it became a date I would never forget. I watched Ellen yesterday and heard of a family that suddenly lost their little boy at 3.5 years old and then today I watched Marilyn Dennis and they made a little girl's wish came true, her name is Stella. Somehow I am constantly reminded of our little sweet girl in everything I do. Ofcourse I think of her hundreds of times in a day but to hear of these stories it brings ours to the front of my thoughts.
Christmas is a time for family, a time for giving and a different time for us this year. The lead up of course as I have mentioned before is always worse then the actual day itself so I am sure it will be the same next week as well for us. My brain still doesn't compute that Stella will never be here again. Hudson is at an age where Stella being 19 months or her now being 29 months old, I can imagine her as his big sister. As time goes by, she will less and less feel like my children's older sister but the little baby who would have been their big sister, which makes me sad.
As always, I am generally doing really well but Stella is on my mind much more these past few weeks with the Christmas rush happening. It hasn't been as much fun preparing for Christmas as it normally has been the past 2 years. I wouldn't be up for much if it wasn't for Hudson. I am greatly looking forward to spending time with our families but I would have no problem skipping Christmas this year. Its just a reminder of what we are missing with Stella. On the other hand, as always there is another side to all of our feelings, I am so grateful for all that we DO have and am concentrating on those aspects of life. Its a great reminder to enjoy the family you do have in the present, while of course remembering those who are not and not worry about the meaningless things in life. As hard as it is for me, being the emotional person I am. Concentrate your love, feelings and energy towards those worthy of it and cherish the ones who gladly return it.
Its been 10 months of happy and apprehensive steps forward with my pregnancy and birth of Hudson but also 10 months of deep sadness and longing for Stella.
Thank you to all those who constantly look out for us, your text messages and facebook comments, your emails, small acts and gifts of kindness and help constantly amaze me and got me through the craziness of pregnancy after our great loss and get me through the days since. For those who I have become closer with through this unbelievable time (some of you were strangers 10 months ago) and those who have stood strong by my side - I greatly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.
  

Happy Holidays to all xo

Here is Stella's 10 month update.

I am now double digits, 10 months old! And the biggest news I want to share is that I finally have 2 teeth and I took my first steps this past month!! I haven't been too upset over my new teeth surprisingly. Grandma noticed two sharp buds and now I have two full fledge teeth on the bottom that you can see in some of my 10 month old photos. I think I have more on the way! Stay tuned..

I have been walking holding onto two hands since the end of January (walking with two hands is "so February" lol), then I started to walk with only one hand holding onto Mommy after we got back from Mexico. And the week before Mother's Day I took steps on my own! The only person I like to walk to is Mommy as I'm not quite confident yet on my own, so I let go and sit down unless I'm walking to Mom. Mommy says I can do it as I hardly hold onto her finger tip anymore and I basically walk on my own...I'm just waiting to surprise everyone and take off!!

I now eat most of the food Mommy and Daddy eat at the dinner table. I love chicken breast, grilled zucchini and nearly everything else. I don't always like puree anymore as I like to feed myself. You will see lots of photos of me eating.

I'm so happy and excited that my new friend has arrived...Baby B is Mommy's friend's daughter and my new BFF!! I am going to teach her so much!

I still make funny faces...I scrunch my face and breathe in and out quickly. I also open my mouth wide and scrunch my nose and eyes. I say Mama and Dada. I also started learning animal sounds! I make BAA BAA and NEIGH sounds. I love turning the book pages. I shake the rattle when you say SHAKE SHAKE, and dance when you say DANCE DANCE as well as kick in the bath. I am starting to copy everything from noises to faces to funny sounds with my mouth. I am still screaming to get attention which Mom doesn't like much but I do understand the word NO. Sometimes I think its funny when Mommy says it.

I'm still dancing to music and love to multi task by playing with a rattle and walking with my walker. You can watch my walk on the videos on my own and with the walker. I also cruise holding multiple items...Mommy always seems to multi task so I do too.

Here is what I have been up to this month! I went to the cottage! Love to you all near and far...hopefully one day we all can experience life together...face to face!

Stella : 9 months since she grew her angel wings

I sat in bed last night thinking about how today it has been 9 months still Stella grew her angel wings. Life although it has been moving forward quickly feels like it is at a stand still regarding Stella. I continually struggle with this thought as its mind blowing she is still not here with us. We are generally doing great as we have been given a new joy with Hudson in our lives but its not the same without our sweet girl. Hearing friends daughters say his name so cutely in different ways and watch them interact is so nice to experience but a sad reminder of what Stella might be doing and saying at 28 months old. Gearing up for Christmas reminds me of so many great times together. Oh how this Christmas would have been different with two kids to sit on Santa's lap. I think this is a good chance for me to look at some of her videos, its been a little while, in the meantime, here is Stella's 9 month update. It's amazing how much growth and development happens in 9 months time. I feel like it was yesterday I posted her 8 month update.

We love you Munchkin Girl!

I am now 9 months old! We just got back from Mexico, where we celebrated Grandma's birthday..I also turned 9 months old while there. I am a pretty strong crawler now on my hands and knees but I still prefer to walk and am obsessed with walking! I pick up a lot of speed and run to Daddy and after my cousin. I also let go of the hands and stand for up to 5 seconds or so. I've also started walking with only holding one hand too. My couch cruising skills are getting faster and I also bend down to pick things up while cruising. I cruise and crawl with food in my hands sometimes, I have a tight grip.

I got to enjoy so many foods in Mexico and use both hands to put (shove) food in my mouth (I love grouper fish)...I am like a squirrel and keep food in my cheeks. I love all foods and love feeding myself. I learned so much from my cousin in Mexico, from eating foods and squealing (screaming) with delight! I got so much attention from the guests, staff and my family I now seek attention by screaming - Mommy is not very happy about this.

My hair is getting thicker and I still have no teeth but drooling as usual for the past 6 months - my shirt is always wet. I go to the library with Mom and crawl to the front of the room to get a close look at the book being read. I really like the Joe Fresh commercial, it always gets my attention when its on and I wave my arms in excitement. I loved swimming in the pool in Mexico and slept in my stroller by the pool for all of my naps, it was so relaxing. I slept a bit on the plane and walked the aisles and played..everyone commented how good I was! I wasn't as good on the way home since I learned to squeal but people still said I was a good travelling baby although I didn't let Mommy sit down for long.

I got to visit my friends before we left for Mexico and attended also a baby shower. I can't wait for Baby B to arrive. I'm such a lucky girl with so many people to love and who love me.