We Thought We Could Avoid It!

We thought we could hide and avoid it! We couldnt hide behind Walker's owls either - we went two years without getting it. It was unfortunately our time.

Surprise! He's Starting to Thrive!

One of our twins (known as Twin A) Walker was born at 4 pounds 1 ounce which was 1 pound 6 ounces smaller than his brother Conrad. The weight difference is now 7+ pounds. Due to his congenital heart disease we spent the first portion of 9 weeks in the NICU to deal with his fast breathing due to Tetralogy of Fallot. While in the hospital he had a moment where all of the monitors went off, alarms ringing and dinging and all I could do is walk away.

Our visit to Sick Kids Hospital this week

My -48 Pound Journey Part 2: How I Got Back from There

As I approach my 39th birthday tomorrow, the last year in my thirties (eek!), I think back to my most life changing year. 

Last summer before I started my weight loss

You Asked for It! My -48 lb Journey Part 1: How I Got There

Having four babies and twins definitely puts a toll on your body! It’s been hard to concentrate on myself, the way I feel and the way I look over the past few years, combined with the sudden loss of our 19 month old daughter Stella.

Me Today with Conrad

I Get Flashbacks.

I thought I'd share a few thoughts this evening. It's been a while since I've blogged, not because I don't want to but life has been crazy, it always is. I decided instead of worrying about taking more time to make the words perfect, I'd simply put some words down and roll with it.

How to Do It All (or at least try to)

I’ve added a new responsibility to my parenting role job description, a career.  I work full-time, I commute over 100 kilometres a day, I’m a Wife, I’m a Mom. And I’m trying to make it all work.

Here is how to do it all, or at least try to.

We have bumps, bruises, full wet diapers but a lot of love and fun in this household!

How my Twin Toddlers are Adapting to Childcare

This post was created in partnership with Kids & Company.

Sending your little ones off to childcare is a rite of passage all working families experience at some point in time. After spending a busy 14 months with my twin boys, it was time for me to return to work, outside of the home.

The Anxiety of Change: Dealing with Daycare

For most Canadian Mom’s the first birthday usually occurs near the end of our maternity leave. It’s a busy time, getting ready for the celebration and the return to work. You spent the last year at home caring for the every need your baby could ever imagine.

The Boys are now 1 which means my maternity leave will come to an end soon!

Just Do It: The Upswing of My Rut

Hello, it’s me, the stranger blogger mom who hasn’t been around lately. I’ve been in a big rut and the only way to describe it would be that I am losing steam.

Twins are non stop but multi tasking often helps!

It's Not All About Me

The last few months have been very difficult for me. Any family with a new baby or dealing with health issues of a family member can relate. I have been plugging along in this marathon but since I recently had a moment to breathe, I realized everything we are going through, as positive as I try to make the situation, is affecting me and my relationships.

Some of the items found around our house lately

You Won't Believe It! We Have Happy News!

You've probably gathered by now that our new twin life has been challenging having a few other issues sprinkled into the craziness of having two babies and a toddler. We had 3 children under the age of 2 for several months. I started my blog a few years ago, as a coping method after the death of my daughter Stella. Once our rainbow baby Hudson joined our lives, my intent was to share the little funny and cute moments and life stories he brings to our life, while we live on with our grief. Life has gone in many directions and my blog has gone along with it.

Walker is surprisingly a happy baby!

I'm so Glad I Took him to the Hospital

As a Mom you are inundated with information, products, advice and tips. I don't know how much of it we actually retain but as we navigate through this life we become experts as we go.

Little Tiny Hand with a Little Tiny IV

A Grieving Mom's Thoughts on the Eve of Three Years Gone

On the eve before we woke to the morning that changed our lives forever, I sit here not knowing how to feel. I suddenly feel confused in all of my thought provoking ideas about this new transformed grief.

Time continues to move forward and our rainbow baby Hudson is getting older and sending us finally into a period of parenting that we've waited over 4 years for - toddlerhood.

I guess that means that we are doing alright because we are enjoying this stage of parenting, finally. But then I remember that we should have a four and a half year old at home who would be half way through junior kindergarten and turning 5 this summer. A totally different time in parenting that others are enjoying that we should be. It all gets put back into perspective again and brings me back to those final last days with Stella.

This night 3 years ago we put our baby to bed safely with no idea it would be the last time we ever see her living again. We had so many amazing memories and times that I documented with her but they would never be enough or be able to replace having her here. It's like a choose your own adventure book; except we don't get to choose and it's not truly an adventure or at least a positive one always. How different these last years would have been. I love my life after Stella, ofcourse fully separating the grief that I endure without her here from my current life situation.

It's always bittersweet. Words such as would and should are used too often when thinking about Stella. I am overjoyed to be able to be a mother again after her passing to these wonderful boys; being the sweet, but life would be so different if Stella was here where she should be - and there's the bitter. I wouldn't change what I have but wish it was different too.

I have similar feelings every year that has passed and every moment when I see something or someone that reminds me of her. But as time goes on and our time without her is greater than with her, it seems to get harder.

You would think the waves of grief would be calmer by now. This is true in my emotional and physical ability to deal with her passing; I am not keeled over in my grief anymore. But as the time grows, my thoughts begin to mature and I look at life without her differently. It's hard because I feel like the thoughts that invade my head as to why this happened to us becomes more prominent. My would be Stella memory box, should be filled with 4 plus years of items; except I'm left with the same photos and same memories that are now only focused on the ones that stand out in my head, instead of the minute details I once cherished. 

I worry I am forgetting her yet I yearn to know more about her.

As I finish feeding one of the babies and head to bed hoping I can sleep, I worry as always about the thought that everything will be alright and that we could never endure such tragedy again. This is what happens when the unthinkable occurs; it steals every ounce of confidence from you. Every thought becomes confusing as you overthink it. It takes all of my strength to continue on. And please know I will strive to live on as I have and it will be wonderful life because I want it to be. But I will never be able to shake the wish to hold her in my arms for one more measly minute or tell her I miss and love her more and more these past three years she's been gone.

The Smartest but Hardest Decisions I Made as a Twinmom (to date!)

As you may have noticed, I tend to analyze a situation before it happens. Whether it be upcoming events including all of Stella's angelversary dates I have either celebrated or simply lived through or the birth of my twins. It helps my mental state and overall happiness. 

This sweet fella has caused his Mama a lot of stress and anxiety - he's definitely worth it.

6 Months In with TWINS. How I Cope.

I've got through 6 months with my twin boys and can honestly say after having two singleton babies, the experience is very different. I started this blog a little while ago and finally had the chance to finish it and I think it's a good topic for Bell Let's Talk Day!

These boys have kept me on my toes these past 6 months

Well, That Was a GONG Show!

I was so excited to have Hudson home for his first week of "part time" daycare. Our plan was for him to go three times a week but with the uncertainty of Walker's health needs we decided we would start with one day home a week; hence the quotation marks.

 

I love having some one-on-one time with Hudson and had high expectations for our first day home together

What's on My Plate for 2017?

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I've tried writing this blog several times over the past few days. It's funny how a bit of extra time has made us a little lazier lately?! Sean came down withe flu which in turn did me in for parenting in his place for a few days, leaving me exhausted as well. 

Lazy days over the holidays with my boys!

How I Handle the G-word at Christmas

Grief at Christmas. The big elephant in the room amongst friends and family at this time of year. It's generally a much harder time of year for grieving parents, me included. Any holiday tends to be difficult, as it is an enjoyable time with family and you imagine what it would be like if your child was in fact here enjoying it with you.

Stella's 1st Christmas

I Admit It. I Am That Mom.

And I am unapologetic about it. We've all been in the situation where we feel like we've lost control of the health, wellness and needs of our children. I normally feel somewhat control over the situation but when I lose it, it becomes even a greater priority.

Stella's memorial bench at a local park

Last Night Was My Breaking Point

It's like he has toddler-sense. He knows exactly when I'm feeling exhausted or defeated to act up. A double edged sword - I can't handle the behaviour, in turn it appears to be worse and I handle it different than I would if I had the energy to deal with it; and he acts up even more.

Things quickly get messy around here lately